


i just wanna dream

by lilybluee



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Slow Burn, hoseok the precious bean, hyungheon side pairing, hyungwon is a bilingual king, jooheon is everyone's baby, so slow you guys might crucify me, therefore he's illiterate twice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 16:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17901731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilybluee/pseuds/lilybluee
Summary: “We can’t, I’m telling you, we’ll get kicked out.”“I mean, the old lady has a dog too.”“Aservicedog, it’s different. The landlord was very clear in his instructions when he said ‘no pets allowed’. Hyunwoo hyung, you’ll seriously get us kicked out.”(Changkyun never thought sheltering a kitten with his neighbor could lead to this)





	i just wanna dream

**Author's Note:**

> [my playlist ♡](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3RKr4GPvLjcxhGg68hPxyA)

✰ 

 

 

Changkyun tosses the last of the cardboard boxes to the floor and collapses on top of it, heaving and wheezing as if he just ran twenty miles barefoot under a blazing desert sun. His shirt clings to his skin, sweaty and disgusting. He wrinkles his nose.

He hears a thud coming from behind, some foot-stomps on the floorboards. Changkyun groans at the additional weight on his back, Jooheon’s heart pulsing wildly against him.

“You. Must be. Fucking me.” Jooheon barely manages to speak between deep oxygen inhales.

“No, I’m not Jooney, fucking between best friends is a blasphemy.”

Jooheon uses the last of his physical prowess to land a strike on Changkyun’s nape.

“I don’t mean it in a literal context, asshole. Whomst the fuck chooses an apartment closer to the Moon than Earth? There’s not even an elevator, how are you gonna survive this?” Jooheon finally drags his body from Changkyun and lands on his back in a sweaty heaving lump. His face is flushed; dots are traveling down his temples, dots cover his exposed arms and exposed protruding collarbones.

“Moon is cool. Who wouldn’t want to live closer to Moon?” Changkyun says while sitting cross legged on his new apartment floor. Cardboard boxes fill the hallway and their voices echo in the empty space. Changkyun feels a surge of contentment intense and deep, and it shows through his teeth.

Jooheon smiles too. Changkyun has been dying for a space of his own for months. Some quarrels with his former roommates had made his first year of college a sour and unfortunate experience. Jooheon had kindly suggested he moves in with him and his boyfriend, Hyungwon. Their shared apartment is wide and spacey. An additional person to the bunch wouldn’t have been a tough thing to adjust to. The more the merrier, but Changkyun would rather flay his skin on top of city gates than accidently walk in on one of their love making sessions. Just the thought alone is enough to scar.

Jooheon helps him unpack for the remainder of the afternoon. Once done, Changkyun grabs Jooheon and shoves him into the bathroom.

“Strip,” he says while sifting through his bath bombs. He can’t find the pretty pastel one that makes his mouth salivate because it looks like a strawberry and vanilla ice cream ball. He shrugs and takes the blue one, the one with sprinkles of space dust. When he looks up, Jooheon has already his damp tank top on the floor, wearing only boxers and testing the water temperature.

Changkyun spots a deep red mark on the inside of Jooheon’s thigh, some more ornament prettily his chest and under his collarbones. Suddenly, Changkyun’s absent love life sticks out like a sour thumb. He pouts and lets the bath bomb fall to the water. It surges up and unfurls its magic, colors the water into a bubbly smokey blue. Jooheon jumps in and Changkyun follows.

The tub is smaller than the one Jooheon and Hyungwon have in their apartment, so their long legs press together, but it’s still very comfortable and very warm. Changkyun moans for how good it feels to sit down and relax. Jooheon seems to be in a similar state of bliss.

Changkyun nudges him. “Tell your boyfriend to be careful, he might suck you dry one day.” He points out with his eyebrows at the hickeys.

Surprisingly, Jooheon doesn’t seem that embarrassed, but he still gets strong colors in his cheeks.

“Hyungwon is… _intense_ , sometimes, when he’s tipsy or high, but when drunk he passes out so it’s never the same.” Jooheon pops some bubbles, and the dents on his cheeks blink in and out, flutter from deep to barely there. It’s adorable. “The other day we were just starting kissing, and then he collapsed on top of me and stopped moving. He was so immobile, for a moment I thought he died, until he started snoring. He fucking scared me.”

Changkyun bangs his head back and laughs, hard.

“If you’re going for a boyfriend, do not settle for a sloth. Though I love Hyungwon and I wouldn’t have this any other way, sometimes he drives my brain cells into complete shut down and I half-contemplate murdering his lazy ass.”

“But he’s your soulmate. You can’t possibly murder your soulmate. That’s like, homicide times two because you’re also murdering half of you.”

Jooheon rolls his eyes far back into his skull. He splashes some water on Changkyun. They fall quiet while Changkyun shampoos Jooheon’s hair and washes his back for him.

“Thank you for helping out, my beautiful squishy dumpling, I love you,” Changkyun says. He massages Jooheon’s scalp, twists fingers through his dark hair.

“I have the day off. I couldn’t stand your whining over the phone.”

“True, but my biology textbooks almost killed you. You were wheezing honey, and I don’t even have an inhaler on me.”

“Goodness, stop coloring me weak.”

They switch around, and Jooheon washes Changkyun’s back this time.

“Speaking of which, I almost ran into this dude while ascending the stairs,” Jooheon says.  “He’s Hot, with a capital H. I’m pretty sure those sweat pants he had on shouldn’t be allowed in public.”

Changkyun is very much intrigued, yet tries to keep his tone neutral. “You were watching his dick?”

“I wasn’t watching his dick. His dick was watching _me_. I strive to be that unbothered with the public attention on my nether regions. Dude has the balls, quite literally and figuratively.”

Changkyun slaps Jooheon’s arm. “Cheating is bad, don’t cheat on Hyungwon.” 

“I’m not cheating, my eyes are messengers and I was describing what they conveyed to me.” Jooheon pauses for a second, then, “Changkyunnie, you’re too tense. Let me give you a quick massage.”

Jooheon is actually quite skillful with his hands, and he helps with Changkyun’s taut muscles. They towel-dry their bodies, slip into comfortable pjs, and eat a light meal before they pass out for the night on Changkyun’s mattress. They sleep like newborns.  

 

 

Changkyun lurches awake in an undignified fashion, startled and blurry eyed and scrambling to his feet to get to the door, someone just rang the doorbell. He almost whacks Jooheon in the head in his haste, and when he checks his phone, his eyes bug out because it’s only eight in the morning on a Sunday. Who the fuck.

Hyungwon seems barely awake himself, with frizzled bleached hair and swollen duck lips. His sweater could do some cinching in, it’s too baggy on his fine-boned frame.  He mutters a silent _‘morning’_ and moves right past Changkyun. He roams about the place until he finds Changkyun’s room and hurls himself beside Jooheon.

Changkyun closes the door and follows right back. His muscles are the sorest they’ve been in over a decade. His calves feel sturdier, and he can’t for the love of him lift his arms over his head or else he feels the chainsaws cutting through flesh.

Hyungwon is already asleep, snoring and putting an arm around Jooheon’s waist. Changkyun is still so tired, he doesn’t even care to know how Hyungwon found his place without getting lost in the nearby alleys. There’s the tiniest of space available on Jooheon’s right, so he slips in beside him, gets the blankets to cover the three of them before he succumbs to his dreamless sleep. 

The smell of distilled frying wafts to his nose and awakens the hunger with searing vengeance. Changkyun groans on his now empty bed and rolls over to the floor. He knows it’s evening without bothering to check. 

He finds Jooheon thumbing on his phone while sitting on the one available kitchen chair. Changkyun claims the seat on his lap and lets Jooheon wrap an arm around his middle.

Hyungwon looks more alive than usual. He’s also cooking, which makes Changkyun immediately halt the yawn barely breaching his lips.

“Wait, what are you doing? I just rented this place, you can’t be burning it already.”

Hyungwon is unfazed. “It’s just some eggs. Pizza will take a while to get here.” He runs his hand through his strawberry straw hair before grabbing the pan again, which Changkyun thinks _ew gross_.

Jooheon puts away his phone, nuzzles Changkyun’s nape and mouths at his skin.

Changkyun grabs hold of Jooheon’s hands. “Slept well?”

“I actually had sleep paralysis,” Jooheon says.

“Oh no, what did you see?”

Jooheon takes a while to think through his hazy snippets of last night. “I believe I saw someone smiling at me creepily by the corner of the room? I don’t even remember the shape of their face, it was too dark. They were like, smiling and waving, so I just shoved my head into your shoulder and went right back to sleep.” 

“Baby, that was rude,” Hyungwon says, reaching for the one plate Changkyun has in his meager possessions. He’s in dire need of a trip to the grocery store. He knows it. All the parties close to him know it, and he’ll make them go through it with him. Friends stick through thick and thin.

“I agree, you should’ve waved back. What if they had no malicious bone in them? What if they only wanted your attention?” Changkyun says, and he almost yelps when Jooheon squeezes his middle.

“What if it wanted to eat my face?”

“You should try being more optimistic _mon amour_ , not everyone is out for bloody murder,” Hyungwon says.

Jooheon ignores him. “What if it were a Chimei? Those beasts that emulate the bodies of your most loved ones until they rip your face right off. I’ve read they’re extremely skillful at emotional manipulation. Fuck me, that’s what.”

Hyungwon and Changkyun share a look, the look that means they’ve had this conversation one too many times.

Five minutes in, the doorbell rings so Hyungwon hurries to the door with his wallet in hand. Hyungwon is the only one in their trio who gets paid more than minimal wage. His shift at this French restaurant _‘Plaisir et Bonheur’_ and his impeccable mastery of the language that works in his favor whenever the restaurant gets actual French speakers lands him more bucks than the average college student. His parents somehow had this brilliant idea to incorporate more languages in his education at a very young age, which worked out incredibly well for him.  

The thing about Hyungwon though is that he spoils them on a regular basis, pays for their broke asses whenever they go out, buys them actual gifts that are not just caffeine and protein bars. He was the one who got Changkyun his bath bombs and body lotions and a whole ass perfume that probably cost him a monthly paycheck.

It’s not that he’s not broke, it’s just that he’s _less_ broke than them, and apparently that’s all that matters. He’s a delicate sort of beauty, fragile almost, an intricate painting from the Renaissance. Only a fool would deny his application.

They both hear him thanking the pizza delivery guy before the click of a closed door reaches in. The living room is their destination where a beautiful cream colored sofa rests on soft rugs, and Changkyun is so thankful in that moment for existing he soft sobs.

“That hungry?” Hyungwon asks while Jooheon flies to the kitchen to get some napkins.

“It’s complicated,” Changkyun says, dabbing at his watery eyes with his sleeves.

 “Aww _mon chaton_ , don’t cry, _viens-ici_ , you’re in need of hugs,” Hyungwon says, puts the pizza on the coffee table and wraps his long arms around Changkyun.

“Stop it with your French pet names, save that for Jooheon.”

“I have enough for the both of you, _mon chouchou_ ,”

“I’m not a bun,”

“Yes you are, you’re too soft,” and Hyungwon pinches his cheeks.

 

 

“Hyungwon, I absolutely do not need them.”

“You absolutely do.”

“I really don’t-”

Hyungwon ignores him and dumps three or four bags of chips in the cart. They shuffle a bit to the frozen food aisle, and Changkyun can only watch him dumping two more ice cream containers and frozen french fries.

“Those are really not necessary Hyungwon, I know how to peel potatoes without chopping off a finger,” Changkyun says. This has proven to be more stressful than he anticipated.  

“Well yes, but it will also save you time, and look, honey is coming.”

Jooheon has a stack of six drinking glasses in one arm and a fucking broom.

 “What’s that for?” Changkyun asks, “Last I checked my name wasn’t Kiki from Miyazaki’s movie.”

“Every household needs a broom or else it’s bad luck for the next twenty years,” Jooheon says and puts carefully down the glassy cups. The broom’s head sticks out.

“I call bullshit.”

“I call not being a moron and messing with unnatural forces. Who the fuck came up with Ouija board anyway? And what idiot messes with that shit?”

Changkyun is guilty but he won’t let that known. It was something dumb he participated in with his former roommates, calling in a ghost and querying its name. Hollering because the ghost must be mute, haha that’s so funny. Changkyun had night terrors for two whole weeks with a terrible fever. Shadows swished over his closed eyelids and almost drove him mad. He still gets his Holy Water from the church, an absolute necessity for his sanity. He was so dumb.

“Jooheon, I still remember the day you asked me to pick up a Ouija board on my way home. Don’t act like you’ve never had the idea before,” Hyungwon says, his nonchalance an admirable quality.

Jooheon’s cheeks color red and pink. “I was drunk and feeling a little courageous. Why are you exposing me?” He presses his face into Changkyun’s shoulder blades.

The laugh Changkyun lets out captures his fattened heart that has grown double its size in the tight cages of his ribs. If Changkyun could tattoo this moment and surge it forever into his skin, he wouldn’t have a second’s hesitation about it.

But Hyungwon is spoiling him way too much, he might as well be his sugar daddy.

 “I made a serious mistake, I shouldn’t have taken you with me.” Changkyun sits grumpily in the back seat. He sees Jooheon beaming in the passenger seat.

“How are you fine with this? Your boyfriend just paid for everything and it was not cheap,” Changkyun accuses Jooheon. He can feel his hair follicles steaming fire, a baby dragon’s first drawn breath.

“Consider it a gift for moving out,” Hyungwon says, his eyes gleaming through the rearview mirror. Changkyun’s rants are amusing to him. He once described to Changkyun how his ears go tomato red and his lips thin in a straight line whenever something works up his nerves. _C’est trop mignon,_ he’d said and Jooheon had agreed and Changkyun wanted to order his casket from Amazon to lay himself to rest, because being called cute is apparently worse than death.

Changkyun turns to the window, and though he might look annoyed from the outside, his insides are tender like a ripened fruit, and a miscalculated dip would pierce right through him.

“I hate you so much,” he says instead and fails to notice their secret smiles.

 

 

Changkyun’s whole body quivers from the glassy night cold. The Moon hangs bright and magical and Changkyun gets the need to wave at her, so he does. “You look beautiful today,” he whispers to The Moon.

“Gets your ass working Changkyun, these bags won’t carry themselves,” he hears Jooheon grumbling from the trunk of the car. Hyungwon is in the driver seat, slouched over the steering wheel. He won’t be helping anytime soon because lifting weights is not his forte.

“Course they won’t be carrying themselves, unless you have a magic wand on you,” Changkyun says. The building stands surrounded by razed bushes and a tree that probably dates to Roman Empire times. Before them stretches a hill, wide and dully green at night time, and right there is the river that cradles the shimmering city lights, waving in heaps and ripples. Changkyun’s luck outdid itself this time. This is gorgeous, and the fact that he’ll get to watch it every night from his apartment has him on the brink of offering sacrifices to the greater forces standing by him.

“Hyungwon does have a magic wand, my testimony is 100% authentic,” Jooheon says, a few steps ahead of him.

Changkyun almost chokes on his fucking tongue. “Did you just make a dick joke?”

Jooheon doesn’t answer. Instead he runs up the stairs.

“Lee Jooheon, did you just make a dick joke!”

Three rounds later, Jooheon and Changkyun lean on Hyungwon’s car, catching their breath. Six flights of stairs are not easy.

When it’s time to leave, Changkyun gives Jooheon his tightest bro hug and pats his ass. “Thank you, great dumpling God.”

Jooheon groans. Changkyun kisses Hyungwon on the cheek and hisses in his ear that one day he’ll pay him back in abundance, which Hyungwon answers to by saying, “dummy, having you is enough,” before he steps on the gas.

Then it’s only him, the Moon and the one last bag watching him from the pavement. Stars dance prettily on dark canvas, dots of white paint, only these have glitter in them. Changkyun takes a minute to watch the sky. It’s so bright, the brightest it’s been in months.

The cold finally drives him inside the building, and so Changkyun takes the stairs leisurely with the one bag left hanging by his wrist. He passes the first apartment door where an old lady resides with her service dog. He’d seen her when he first stepped foot in his new habitable space. She’d smiled at him and the landlord, and she let him pet her dog when he asked.

Changkyun walks the rest of the stairs with a smile. He has five classes tomorrow, one that starts at 8 a.m, but he’s in too great of a mood to let it tarnish his spirit.

When Changkyun walks the last flight of stairs, he comes upon two Greek Gods.

Holy fuck.

Changkyun’s first instinct is to run, to bolt, to save his mortal ass. Muscles are all he sees, biceps and triceps and _thighs_. Changkyun believes he’s going to die. Changkyun believes these two finely sculptured men are going to crush his skull like a watermelon, handpick his 206 bones and construct a house of card, but like, with bones.

For a moment, all parties seize up one another. The first guy is bulky as hell, his chest wide and probably thicker than Changkyun’s own mattress. His ears stick out, which is cute, and his veins sizzle through his pale (pale) skin, which is scary. He has sweats on and a white tee, and his nipples stand hard and erect, probably from the cold.

The second guy is Helios, God of the Sun himself. His bronze skin is made of melted sugar and honey, of golden bruised sunsets. His lips are cherry red and slightly opened, and his jaw line is as sharp as a katana edge. Unlike the beautiful pale guy, he has a black shirt on, but it’s almost fully damp from sweat. They’re both breathing heavy, they both seem like they’ve been on a night run.

They’re both gorgeous, and Changkyun is _staring hard_.

Because Fate is not that cruel to him, the first guy breaks into a beautiful gummy smile, teeth brighter than the light illuminating the corridor. “Hello,” he offers as greeting.

The golden God smiles too and offers a greeting of his own. Suddenly, Changkyun doesn’t understand why he ever thought they could cause him harm.

“H-Hey, good evening,” Changkyun says in return with a slight bow.

They move to the side to let him pass, picking up their conversation again, something like, _‘I need to get on a diet Hyunwoo, I’ve been eating like a gluttonous pig,’_ and another thing like, _‘You do not need a diet Seokkie, the amount you eat is perfect for the amount you weight, let’s go in, you need a shower, as do I.’_ And then they’re gone, their apartment facing Changkyun’s.

Changkyun is still fumbling with his house keys. They drop to the floor and he picks them up and they drop again. Once inside, Changkyun takes his phone and dials Jooheon.

Jooheon answers the call. Changkyun’s words are a storm of disaster. “Good fuck Jooheon, you could’ve given me a word of warning, a friendly reminder, a note of caution. Why haven’t you said anything?”

Jooheon is so audibly confused Changkyun almost feels bad. “What happened? Was it a thief? Were you abducted? What do they want? Money? None of us have it. Changkyun, please tell me you’re not dying.”

“Well, I am, in a sense.”

“What!”

Changkyun cringes from the loud cry. “I don’t mean it in the literal one, dumbass.”

Jooheon breathes long and deep. “Don’t scare me like that.” He pauses for a bit, “What happened then? Why do you sound like you’re on the verge of a breakdown?”

Changkyun takes a moment to rephrase his thoughts. It doesn’t work, so he just says, “My gay awakening is here Jooney. The hunks of my fantasies are here.”

Something clicks. Jooheon’s _‘Ahhhhhh’_ is drawled and smug-sounding. He laughs hard.

“Fuck you,” Changkyun says and hangs up.

 

 

When morning comes, Changkyun takes the extra care to survey his surroundings and run down the empty stairs to the building’s iron gates. He’s not sure starting his day by meeting them again would be a good idea. Maybe some time in the afternoon, when classes are over and his shift is over and the only things occupying his mind are food and sleep. Maybe ending his day with two gorgeous men glistening from sweat and greeting him in stretched shirts would be the right way to do it. Changkyun wants this Monday over, and it’s still eight in the morning.

But the morning air is fresh and crisp, cleansing his lungs and some of his dirty thoughts. He’s still a child of Jesus. He needs not forget that.

His walk to campus is twenty minutes long, which is another thing he loves about his new located apartment. Changkyun’s parents help him with the rent. Only a third he has to pay. The rest is on them.

Changkyun looks to the right and glances at the transparent grey of the river. Instead of city lights, the clouds swim in its depths, morphing into shapeless blobs from the current’s effect.

He takes a precious minute to lean on the low fence separating him from the greenery of the hill, and inhales so deep he feels his nose burning and his eyes watering.

Sun might not be out, it’s quiet cold actually and his thin jacket lets all the chilly air in, but it’s beautiful here, where he’s standing, where life has landed him. It’s beautiful and it smells nice. He glimpses up and finds a mother with her child taking long strides, probably late for school, smiling in their haste. The child has a missing tooth, and when he smiles the gap stretches wide. Changkyun nods and the mother nods back before they pass him and disappear down the road.

Changkyun stands just a couple minutes longer, grateful for pushing through his darkest moments in life, grateful that he hadn’t lost, that he hadn’t succumbed, that he can feel the humidity against his bare skin, that he can appreciate with his eyes Nature’s handiwork.

He runs the rest of the way to campus with a bubbly feeling foaming his heart.

 

 

With some A++ investigations skills, Changkyun finds this empty, surprisingly clean bench shadowed by a gracious tree with its vines and leaves spattered around like confetti.

There’s a small old looking fountain facing the bench, and when the winds pick up, the branches ruffle like feather strokes, which has become Changkyun’s favorite song to listen to while reading a book of his liking. There would be occasional passersby with bikes, but it’s usually quiet and serene with sound of Nature as background music.

Today, Changkyun has made a new friend. Her name is Lilith, and she’s the most adorable kitten he’s seen in his nineteen years of life. Her coat of fur is black streaked with white while her ears are totally white. She is so tiny she fits perfectly in his palms.

“Oh my God, I’m gonna eat you.” Changkyun almost tears up when she yawns and slouches on his lap. She makes a few turns, digs her claws into his thighs, which is _ouch,_ but that’s okay because she’s _adooorable._

 She naps on his lap and Changkyun resumes reading, peering at her from time to time. At some point, he gives up reading and pats her cute little head the size of a walnut. Changkyun hopes from his deepest core he’s not allergic to cats. That would be the tragedy of the century.

Lilith becomes his best friend (Jooheon and Hyungwon who?). She sticks mostly to the same place, and Changkyun comes to visit her as often as his schedule allows it.

One day, Changkyun finds his spot occupied.

“Oh,” the golden God says.

“Oh,” Changkyun says back.

Lilith peers up at him. She looks impossibly small slouched on those _thighs_.

The winds see it as the perfect occasion to seep through tree branches and light garments. Changkyun was stupid enough to forget his jacket back home. The goosebumps feel almost painful on his skin, tight and harsh like needle-pricks. The golden God seems unbothered, his skin smooth like butter. Lilith yawns and her small canines peek through, and Changkyun would’ve cooed and fretted over this adorable creature, but he’s still standing, awkward and painfully cold.

“I must have taken your spot,” golden God finally says, his smile warm and friendly. He scoots a bit to the left, very careful to not drop Lilith, and pats the space beside him.

Changkyun is still stuck on that smile, it was so genuine and sincere, but his brain kicks him into moving for fear of making this even more awkward.

“You must be the new guy who just moved in. I’m Hyunwoo, your neighbor,” he smiles again and brings a hand up for a handshake.

“I’m Changkyun, really nice to meet you.” Changkyun doesn’t understand how someone can be this warm. Hyunwoo’s hand engulfs his, large and big, slightly calloused, which Changkyun expected.

“Likewise.”

The kitten immediately jumps on his lap, and Changkyun can’t help the yelp of surprise. He lifts her to his face, a scowl settled on his eyebrows. “That was dangerous Lilith, what if you fell?” he tusks.

Hyunwoo’s laugh startles him. Changkyun’s cheeks flare up so fast, so deep.

“Lilith? You named her Lilith?” Hyunwoo finally says. Though their thighs are not touching, Changkyun can feel Hyunwoo’s body heat rolling off him in waves. Subconsciously, he leans closer.

“Is it bad a name?” he asks shyly.

Hyunwoo makes refuting gestures. “It’s a beautiful name, actually. Lilith, the name of a night demon, who brings terror and chaos-”

“Really?” Changkyun interjects and immediately looks to where the kitten is folded on herself, napping. She’s so cute. How could he give her the name of a demon?

“It’s still beautiful.  Plenty of people name their daughters Lilith,” Hyunwoo says and moves closer to Changkyun to pat the kitten on the head. Her purring is almost tangible, growing in its frequency. “Your choice of name is valid, it’s better than the name I’ve given her.”

“And what did you name her?” Changkyun asks, his eyes focused on Hyunwoo’s veiny forearm.

“Wren,” Hyunwoo says.

Changkyun cackles despite himself. Hyunwoo smiles too, his features somehow softening to a considerable degree. His knee accidently bumps with Changkyun’s.

“You literally named a cat after a bird. How does that even work, hyung?” then Changkyun pauses, “You’re my hyung, right?”

“I’m twenty three,” Hyunwoo says.

“Oh, thank God. I’m nineteen.”Changkyun says.

“A baby.”

“No I’m not, what gives you the right to call me a baby, when you’re like, only four years my senior?” Changkyun says playfully, but he feels his intestines squirming, agitated, as if his heart has just grown wings and it’s been bouncing around, wanting to take off. Hyunwoo’s knee bumps his a second time.

“Seokkie and I have this rule, anyone under twenty is still a baby,” Hyunwoo says.

“Seokkie?”

“The bunny guy who was with me that night we first met.” Hyunwoo gestures at his ears.

Changkyun remembers wide chests and gummy smiles. “Aaaah yes, I remember him, he looked pretty intimidating.”

“Hoseok? Intimidating?” Hyunwoo laughs again. “Hoseok couldn’t hurt a fly if he tried. That’s like saying earth is flat. Don’t let the muscles fool you otherwise.”

“You’re just as big, and maybe a little more intimidating too.”

Hyunwoo looks offended, as if Changkyun has just insulted his whole family tree and stomped on his lineage. Changkyun suppresses a smile.

“I’m one nice guy. I greet that old lady from the first floor every morning, I show up to my classes diligently, I recycle every day. Well, not every day, but it’s still most days.”

“I didn’t say the opposite, Hyunwoo hyung. That was just, you know, my first impression,” Changkyun says. Lilith distracts him momentarily by shifting her sleeping position, and when he looks up, Hyunwoo has a very fond expression on.

They fall into easy conversations again. Changkyun learns Hyunwoo is an engineering student, lives on his own and gets some financial support from his family. Hoseok is his best friend, but also his gym buddy, his hype man, the reason he doesn’t have belly fat, God bless Hoseok’s soul.

Changkyun talks about Jooheon and Hyungwon, talks about the hell that is third-wheeling, but talks also about how grateful he is to have them, how much they do for him, how much he wanted to choke them when they used to be oblivious to one another’s feelings.

It’s fun and the weather is nice, the Sun feels nice against his skin.

Changkyun has just made another friend.

 

 

“We can’t, I’m telling you, we’ll get kicked out.”

“I mean, the old lady has a dog too.”

“A _service_ dog, it’s different. The landlord was very clear in his instructions when he said _‘no pets allowed’_. Hyunwoo hyung, you’ll seriously get us kicked out.”

Hyunwoo halts in his steps. He’d been walking ahead of Changkyun, his jacket way too big, way too warm for a sunny Saturday. Changkyun needs to turn up to work in the next thirty minutes, but his heart and soul are overstretched from stress and nerves because Hyunwoo is about to risk it all for Lilith.

Lilith stays hidden in Hyunwoo’s inner pocket, surprisingly compliant and obedient. She hasn’t mewled not even once, as if she understands the nature of the risk, and blowing their cover is a thing she won’t do.

They stand before the building then, the iron gates opened and welcoming. Hyunwoo zips down his jacket and checks on Lilith. “Good girl, papa is proud,” he tells her and closes his jacket again.

And like, Changkyun shouldn’t feel his heart hammering this much at the sound of those words. This feels like such a sacred bounding moment, something concrete and the base for the friendship that’s to flourish from here on. Changkyun could proceed. Changkyun could throw his cards and take part of the risk. He could also draw back and shrink to his corner and not get involved.

Changkyun runs to the building first. He makes careful elaborate observations, an eagle eying the prey, only he’s the prey here and he needs to be cautious or else they’ll get caught.

Noticing no one around, Changkyun makes frantic gestures at Hyunwoo to move in quick, which Hyunwoo does. He has his big hands cupping Lilith through the jacket, and he runs in such a speed it leaves Changkyun ogling until he remembers his stance and runs after him.

The realization that he’s in Hyunwoo’s home doesn’t come to him until he spots a gigantic treadmill taking up the whole space for the hallway. Changkyun stumbles on hand weights and rights himself up when he hears Hyunwoo calling him from the adjacent room.

Well, it’s less of a room and more like a kitchenette. Hyunwoo is sitting on one of the two chairs, so Changkyun takes the other one and they both watch Lilith shyly peering at her new home, taking small adorable steps with her small paws. If anything were to happen to her, Changkyun will burn this world, then burn himself.

“So, what’s the drill? Who gets her custody?” Hyunwoo asks, and with the jacket finally fulfilling its purpose, he wrenches it off and throws it over the back of the chair.

Changkyun is momentarily distracted by the arms, the smooth buttery arms. They look… _delicious_? Holy shit, is he turning into a cannibal?

“I’ve been thinking about this actually, she can stay with me and I can give you a duplicate of my house keys so you can visit her whenever you feel like it, if it’s okay with you, of course,” Changkyun says, and hopes Hyunwoo feels comfortable around him enough that what he’s suggesting won’t weird him out.

Hyunwoo looks pensive. He sits straight. “Can’t this be the other way around? You know, me the guardian, you the visitor.” He smiles, amusement glinting off his irises. There’s a challenge in them, and Changkyun won’t back off.

“I found her first,” Changkyun says.

“Yes, but I’m the one who sneaked her in. You were against the idea, remember?” Hyunwoo raises an eyebrow with a smirk.

Changkyun’ skin hums and he has a hard time maintaining the eye contact. He feels like a child with their first crush.

“I did change my mind though, I was willing to face the repercussions and I still am. Hyunwoo hyung, she should be with me.”

“There, you said it yourself dongsaeng. I’m your hyung, and my words are absolute.”

Changkyun huffs a laugh. “Oh no no, we are not playing that card. It’s not fair, nothing about it is democratic. Let’s settle this with rock paper scissors.”

And so they spend the next ten minutes arguing over this. It’s ridiculously fun, and Lilith wanders further into the apartment, oblivious to her fate.

Changkyun comes out as the victor and Hyunwoo hangs his head low, defeated. Changkyun gathers Lilith in his arms and keeps kissing her until she scratches his cheek.

When Changkyun checks the time, his blood turns to crystallized drops and he bolts outside Hyunwoo’s apartment to get to work before the manager fires his ass.

 _‘Good luck, stay safe, don’t let a car run you over,’_ Hyunwoo had said with this soft smile that made Changkyun’s toes tingle and his scalp itchier than a mosquito bite.

 

 

“This is the best thing you’ve done in life so far hands down, very proud of you bro,” Jooheon says from his spot on the sofa, laying perpendicularly to the seat cushions, head hanging off the side. Lilith is sleeping above his rib cage.

Changkyun scratches his scalp, irritated with this essay he’s been working on for hours. “Glad my existence wasn’t for naught.”

“Can I name her?” Jooheon asks.

“She already has a name.”

“What about a middle name?”

Changkyun puts down his pen, at last done with his assignments. He’s sore and tired and he needs to shower, Jesus. “She doesn’t need one,” he says and crawls on the soft rugs to rest his head beside Jooheon’s.

“That’s not right, she’s part of the family now. She needs a middle name.”

When Changkyun keeps quiet, Jooheon gets his creativity flowing and a flurry of names bounce off Changkyun’s eardrums.

It’s already evening. Their tummies are full and the TV is useless with its boring shows. Hyungwon is on his shift in _‘Plaisir et Bonheur’_ so it’s mostly quiet and sleep is one sexy thing, seducing him-

“-didn’t think you would become chummy with your neighbor this fast-”

“ _What?_ ”

Jooheon frowns, and from his position it looks he has a mustache on his forehead. “I thought you guys are adopting her together?”

“Well, duh, that doesn’t mean-”

“You literally gave him your house keys. _I_ don’t have your house keys yet Changkyunnie,” Jooheon is not reprimanding him, Changkyun believes. He’s just stating facts.

But now that Changkyun is _really_ thinking about it-

“Is it that weird? That I gave easy access to my apartment to someone I’ve barely known for a month?” he asks the room.

It’s not like Hyunwoo will raid his house at night and rob him of any measly belongings he has on him, he thinks (he hopes). Yes, it hasn’t been that long since they first talked to each other, and even less since they took Lilith in, but Hyunwoo could dethrone the Sun and no one would notice because of the amount of warmth he exudes. Changkyun goes by his hunches whenever logic fails to guide him. His guts are telling him this is fine. This is okay. He can put his full trust in Hyunwoo.

“Just in case, you know, something goes on, call me first then call 119,” Jooheon says.

Changkyun smiles. He rolls his head and lets it tap against Jooheon’s. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

Jooheon pouts, his hand passing gently through Lilith’s fur. “Guess that’s fair.”

When it gets silent, Lilith’s purring rumbles from Jooheon’s rib cage to Changkyun’s temples, a soothing tender sound on a Sunday evening. “Hey, you know what I’ve had in my mind for a while now?” Changkyun asks.

“What?”

“A Spiderman kiss.”

Jooheon manages to stay in place and not lurch sideways in disgust. “Fucking between best friends is a blasphemy. Stop hijacking your own rules.”

“Who said anything about fucking? You have pretty lips, Jooney. They’re literally heart shaped, which I consider the greatest proof to why Lee Jooheon is the word _‘love’_ personified. Why would you deprive me of a kiss from the God of Love himself?”

Even with a scowl, Jooheon looks extremely flustered and he has his eyes glued to the ceiling. Changkyun stifles a chuckle and kisses Jooheon’s cheek. “You’re beautiful Joohoney. Hyungwon is one lucky bastard.”

“Stop insulting my boyfriend. You’ll make me take personal offense for it,” Jooheon says half-heartedly, but Changkyun knows Jooheon basks in his compliments, rejoices in receiving love, which he’s all too happy to offer.

When Hyungwon comes to pick Jooheon up, he falls into a heated staring contest with Lilith, his shoulders hunched and Lilith ready to pounce on him.

“Always knew he’s secretly a cat in disguise, he’s _too_ lazy for a regular human being,” Changkyun whispers in Jooheon’s ear.

“ _Senieur, quelle_ monstrosity!” Hyungwon hisses.

“Call her that again and I’ll feed you to the wolves,” Changkyun threatens him, Lilith cradled in his arms.

Suffice to say, it takes a while for Hyungwon and Lilith to warm up to one another.

 

 

“Please, help me choose, I’m on the verge of a meltdown,” Changkyun whines with two different brands of cat litter in his hands.

Hyunwoo’s lips curl up into a small smile, but his hands are quick and with a simple Google search he finds the reviews and they settle on the one with the highest rating.

“What if Lilith doesn’t like it? What if it’s too harsh for her soft little paws? What if it starts smelling not even two days in?”

“Calm down, we can always try another one, and here, let’s grab some cat food.” Hyunwoo gives him a gentle push toward the aisle, their cart sinking in different animal toys.

Changkyun never thought caring for a small creature could give him this much stress. It’s like they’re taking care of a child of their own, and it’s such a wholesome feeling, yet the thought of anything happening to her makes him want to push his head into the mud. Hyunwoo’s laid back nature is not helping.

When Changkyun finds cat food, he’s put into other dilemmas. Should they go for the dry food or the wet one? How much protein should it contain? What about fat? Is it salmon or chicken? Lilith has just been to the vet this morning, is she still in pain from her vaccination?

“Hyunwoo,” he whines again and yelps when Hyunwoo gives him a painless tap on the head.

“That’s Hyunwoo hyung for you.”

“Sorry hyung, parenting is hard.” 

Hyunwoo’s whole face softens. Changkyun is momentarily distracted, harsh fluorescent light beating down on his unblinking eyes. Hyunwoo catches him staring, and when he tilts his head, questioning, Changkyun immediately recovers, hoping his flushed ears are well hidden under his beanie.

They walk home (they almost made a scene; splitting the receipt was their only solution). Changkyun talks enthusiastically about his biology classes and less enthusiastically about his boring accounting classes. He talks about Hyungwon’s initial animosity towards Lilith, and how she once peed on his favorite pair of shoes. Hyunwoo laughs until his eyes turn into tiny crescents.

His hunches are right, this is really fine.

 

 

A sleep-deprived Changkyun is one dangerous Changkyun. While delirious, he almost splintered Hyunwoo’s skull open with his _Fending-Off-Bad-Energy_ broom.

“Holy fuck Changkyun,” Hyunwoo says in a tight strained voice, his hand stinging horribly from where he caught the broom.

It takes Changkyun a moment to get his bearings- _this has been a rough day_ \- and when he turns on the lights, he finds Hyunwoo grimacing in pain and holding something in his hand that vaguely smells like fries.

Changkyun’s stomach grumbles (did he even eat before he crashed on his bed?). He immediately drops the broom and keens in horror. “Oh fuck. Oh shit, _oh shit_ , I’m so sorry, are you okay? Is it bleeding? Did I break your bones? Hyunwoo hyung!”

“Stop panicking, it’s fine,” Hyunwoo tries to quell Changkyun’s panic, but his hand is turning alarmingly red, his face showing clear signs of discomfort.

Changkyun literally hurls himself into the kitchen and right into the refrigerator. He spots a bag of frozen beans. He grabs it and wraps it in a cloth. He keeps shaking even when Hyunwoo takes the frozen beans in his injured hand to ease down some of the swelling.

“Oh God, oh God, I’m so sorry, I thought you were a thief or a housebreaker or something dangerous. Hyung, I was dreaming of blood gushing from skies and moons morphing into red eyed hybrids of dragons and wolves, breathing fire into earth, I was burning up myself and it was awful and the sound of the door opening brought me right back from whatever hell that was, I was still half-asleep when I attacked you, I’m so sorry I should’ve known it was you-”

“Hey, _hey_ , breathe Changkyun, you’ll pass out.” Hyunwoo grabs his neck and jerks him with a bit of force. Hyunwoo’s safe hand smells of food, which means Hyunwoo probably wanted to grab dinner with him, which also means Changkyun has just fucked up his first ever non-official date with Hyunwoo, and that’s like. Very shitty of his Lord to put him through, _what’s with this day?_

Hyunwoo jerks him a second time and that brings him back to a strained inflated heart urging him to breathe through his nose to save his starving lungs.

“Please don’t charge me with assault, I don’t have enough money for a lawyer,” Changkyun wheezes, some truth behind his words.

Hyunwoo laughs, his hand slowly unhooking from Changkyun’s flushed neck. “I can’t believe you. Why would I even do such thing? It was self-defense, and I’m glad you were serious enough to actually try for a hard blow. That could’ve knocked anyone out.”

Changkyun gets finally a semblance of self-composure. He feels the panic winding out of his veins. He sees clearer and inhales deeper. “But I’ve given you my house keys with my consent and while I was very much sober, and yes you do visit mostly in the mornings, but I should’ve known it was you. I can’t believe I almost broke your hand.” And at that, Changkyun turns his attention to the clearly swollen palm and the dripping water from the frozen beans. The taps are silent when they collide with the rugs, _one drip, two drips, three drips…_

Hyunwoo does his everything-is-fine shrug, even when obviously nothing is fine. He goes to grab the bag he came in with and says, “It’s totally my mistake, I should’ve notified you first. I’ll bear the consequences like a badge of honor.”

“But you’re hurting. Badges of honor do not inflict pain,” Changkyun says.

“Tell that to the veterans with their jagged scars.”

“This is not a battlefield hyung, just admit I fuc-messed up and reprimand me.”

“Im Changkyun, go fetch your Miyazaki movies,” Hyunwoo says with clear authority, though his grin is wide when he lifts the bag, “I got takeout.”

And like, fine, Changkyun is not gonna ruin this any further; he’s such an embarrassment, attacking his neighbor with a fucking broom. Jooheon must be cackling right now.

He gets his movies (aka most prized possessions) and grabs glasses and plates from the kitchen, ordering Hyunwoo to not move at all from his spot in the living room’s sofa. Changkyun has done enough damage.

Thirty minutes into Princess Mononoke, with their food completely gulped down, Lilith comes trudging from Changkyun’s room, obviously awoken from her nap, very grumpy yet in a clear cuddly mood.

“Hello baby girl, slept well?” Changkyun coos and lifts her in his arms. Surprisingly, she doesn’t trash around, immobile and in a weird kitten trance.

“Wait,” Hyunwoo says, “I can’t believe it has only been a week since I’ve last seen her, how is she this big already?”

He reaches out with a grabby hand and Changkyun carefully places Lilith in the fold of his arm. He’d done a meticulous job at bandaging Hyunwoo’s hand. Thankfully, Hyunwoo can still move his fingers, so it’s not sprained, neither broken.

It doesn’t take her long before she blinks out, comfortable and soundly asleep in Hyunwoo’s hold. Changkyun smiles into his palm and watches with unfocused eyes the screen. It feels…kind of lovely. What a way to make his shitty day considerably less shitty.

“I almost got myself fired this morning from messing orders. It was pretty bad. I gave someone who's lactose intolerant milk,” Changkyun says.

“Mistakes happen Changkyun, stop being harsh on yourself.”

“My boss yelled at me in front of everyone and it was awful, I hope he finds rat feces in his food and gets diarrhea for a month.” He grumbles with a huff that makes him sound both humored and hurt.

“That is. Extremely awful of him. Make that two months. His rectum will give him agony,” Hyunwoo says with a smile, but Changkyun knows he means it. Tension leaves Changkyun’s muscles and he relaxes further into the sofa, waiting for twelve a.m to hit so he could throw this shitty day behind his back and submerge into a new one.

When the movie ends, Changkyun suggests another one. “Have you seen Grave of the Fireflies yet?”

Hyunwoo gets this puzzled look on his face. By now, Lilith is curled into a tiny ball by his side, far deep into her dreams. “I believe I have not?”

Changkyun chokes on his spit, and he flails his arms like a drowning sailor in distressed waters. “You have _not_?”

“Is it good?”

“More than that. It’s _fan-effing-tastic_ , you’re missing out hyung.”

Before Changkyun can put the movie on, he gets a box of tissues and places it on the coffee table. Hyunwoo looks so confused. “What are those for?” he asks.

Changkyun winks and says. “Trust me, you’ll need them.”

 

 

Changkyun kind of regrets his decision.

Hyunwoo’s tears worth in gold, escalating one drop after another in a long crocked line down his lightly flushed cheeks.

Having watched the movie many times before (because he’s a fucking masochist), Changkyun has grown a thick skin and the ache in his heart is subtle. But Hyunwoo shedding tears is akin to the century’s heartbreak. His sad face is so so _sad_.

It’s so sad and Changkyun can’t take it, won’t bear it. He flops on his stomach and brings his arms around Hyunwoo’s waist, squeezes until his muscles throb, and mumbles into Hyunwoo’s thigh. “Nooooo, please don’t cry.”

“Wasn’t that your goal all along? I can’t believe you made me watch this, it’s so brutal Changkyun,” Hyunwoo says while sniffling, bunch of tissues in hand.

“I’m so sorry-”

“I won’t be able to stop thinking about it for the rest of the week, maybe for the rest of my life. I hope you’re satisfied with yourself.”

“-really sorry.”

The way he’s talking is less reprimanding and more teasing, soft and cotton warm in Changkyun’s ears, thick with heartache and tears.

“It’s okay though, it’s a beautiful movie. But I’ll never watch it again. Never ever again.”

Changkyun smiles wide into Hyunwoo’s thigh.

“I understand.”

 

 

Time passes in a blur. Changkyun is wind whirled and lost from the main course, but at least he no longer attacks Hyunwoo whenever he steps into his home unannounced.

It becomes so-

so-

 _Domestic_ , dare he say.

They fit the part so well, effortless cinching of detached pieces. Lilith is growing fast, and her affection for Hyungwon even faster. She now sleeps beside him whenever he stays over, _licks_ his face (Chankyun still can’t believe this), scratches her head against his palm, so chummy with each other, so cuddly with each other. Hyungwon is a cat in disguise, and this is the hill Changkyun will die on.

His boss is still shitty, but Changkyun tries his hardest to avoid any and all mistakes. It’s a bummer his boss didn’t get diarrhea yet. He did stub his toes once while wearing Birkenstocks, so that must count for something.  

On a lively Saturday night, with Jooheon, Hyungwon _and_ Hyunwoo in the house, they order all kinds of fast food and get wasted. Not completely shit-faced, but close enough to bring some chaos in the normalcy of their lives. Changkyun feels tingles of heat like the march of ants running up his spin, to his brain, rumbling and fretting, which makes him giggly and makes his usual grave voice a couple octaves higher.

Jooheon has somehow reclaimed Hyunwoo as his parental figure, so he’s leaning fully on him, his eyelids sitting heavy on his face. Sleepy and flushed, mostly drunk, and Hyungwon is eying him like he’s eying a juicy piece of grilled shrimp. Changkyun slaps his arm and says, “Not in front of the kids,” his finger pointing to Lilith curled to his right.

Hyungwon pouts and plunges back into the sofa.

Changkyun fingers his empty shot glass, and when he grows bored, he runs his knuckles against the carpet, scraps hard enough to get the blood flowing red through his skin. He feels a bit dizzy. Not a _need-to-puke_ kind of dizzy, just the lightness that comes with alcohol has him shooting through cloud nine.

He glances up and sees Hyunwoo easing Jooheon down on his thighs. He sees him running gentle hands through dark hair. Extremely tender, soft, affectionate strokes. Changkyun feels a sharp pang in his heart, very sharp his breath hitches and he rubs his knuckles against the carpet more aggressively.  

What is it his heart wants? He feels- frustration? Hopelessness? Is he getting grumpy because of his lack of sleep? His last exams did squeeze out of him what was left of his will to live, to survive his college days. He got only four hours of sleep for two days straight after all.

But that’s still no reason for him to feel this _shitty_. Not when his favorite people surround him and alcohol is present and his most precious daughter is asleep by his side.

Not when Hyunwoo has that beautiful look on his face, one that’s so fond and in complete and total bliss. His ears are red and sweat sheens his forehead. He’s otherworldly gorgeous. Changkyun wants his attention so bad.

needs it-

yearns for it-

Changkyun feels his senses heightened, and there’s a churn in his stomach that makes him visibly quiver. He’s about-

oh shit

“Hey, are you okay?”  

Changkyun stumbles to his feet, albeit wobbly, and in a blur he rushes to the bathroom and knocks his shoulder hard against the door. His brain doesn’t even register the brutal drop of his knees into floor tiles. It’s the strong acidic burn of vomit that has his hazy mind reeling in shock. He pauses for a while. His face hovers over the toilet bowl before his weakened body pumps out more vomit. Tears roll down his cheeks in river flows, and it burns so bad he lets himself cry some more, broken and shocked out sobs in the empty reverberating bathroom.

_What is it his heart wants? What is it, it desires? What-_

“Changkyun, Changkyunnie, hey, you’re fine pretty boy, it’s okay,” comes Hyunwoo’s soothing voice from behind, his hand running up and down Changkyun’s back, up and down.

“’m sorry,” he coughs violently, “very sorry,”

“It’s fine, it happens. Don’t apologize.”

Changkyun sobs again. This week has been hard, so hard he’d contemplated abandoning things and jumping into the cold arms of the sea. Everything is crushing back on him, lurching out through the cracks. It’s overwhelmingly deep and morose. His throat hurts and his heart hurts and Hyunwoo’s hands on him make him feel safe but also sad. Oh so very, very sad.

He cries a while longer before Hyunwoo helps him clean up and lifts him in his arms. Only now does Changkyun feel the ache in his knees. They’re probably blooming into ugly bruises, but the heartburn is even worse, so when Hyunwoo tucks him in bed and plants a kiss between his brows, he snuffs out and sleeps for fourteen hours.

 

 

He wakes up next Sunday afternoon to tightness enclosing his windpipe and dark hair plastered to his cheek. Changkyun brings weak arms up and feels for the heavy thing slowly suffocating him. It takes him a while to figure it out, but it’s Jooheon’s forearm he has around his throat, and slowly, very slowly, he peels it away and rests it between them.

Changkyun doesn’t dare to move an inch further. There are the telltale signs of a serious hangover about to wreck havoc on his skull, and the deep ache of abused knees is too sharp for his dulled senses. His throat is still burning, and he feels like such a fucking idiot, ready to throw himself into the railways to forget the shame from the previous night.

He buries his face into his pillow, takes a deep breath, and screams.

The sound of an opened door makes his ears twitch. Changkyun looks up when Hyungwon comes through the bedroom door, Lilith following close behind. He’s still in his work attire. Dark slacks and a button down shirt.

He feigns a bewildered expression. “You’re alive.”

Changkyun doesn’t answer, only puckers his lips. He sees from the corner of his eyes Jooheon fluttering his lashes awake, and the latter almost smacks him in the face when he stretches his arms. Hyungwon mouths _‘cute’_ and crouches beside the bed. He leans on Changkyun’s abdomen and reaches for Jooheon, pulling gently his hair back and kissing his sleep-flushed cheeks. Changkyun groans from the pressure on his poor bowels.

Hyungwon finally draws back and peers down at him. “Want me to fill you in.”

“No thanks,” Changkyun says, “my long-term memory is doing its job and I want to get a fucking concussion.”

“It’s not that bad. You went a bit overboard with the tequila, so I was kind of expecting it,” Hyungwon says.

Changkyun wants to cry, instead he just says, “I want to die.”

“ _Oh non non, ne dis pas ça_. Don’t say that Changkyunnie. At least you didn’t barf on Jooheon’s lap like I so unfortunately did once.”

Jooheon is still in his post-sleep trance, so he remains zoned out in his corner.

“Come now, let’s bake something. I stole some dough from the kitchens, but I doubt anyone will notice,” Hyungwon says as he stands to his feet.

Changkyun jerks up in shock, and he almost pukes a second time from the searing poundings upon his skull. He catches his breath and glares at Hyungwon. “Are you fucking serious? Do you want to get fired?”

Hyungwon shrugs. “I’m her best worker at the time, she can’t fire me.”

“But-”

“It’s fine I’m telling you, and look, Jooheon is back on earth again. Poke him while you’re at it, why won’t you my dear.”

Hyungwon leaves the room. Lilith stares at Changkyun and Changkyun stares back. When he opens his arms, she jumps on him and licks his face.

The baking goes catastrophically well. Hyungwon and Jooheon knead the hell out of the dough. They heat up the oven and make this a competition to see who’ll make the best pizza. Changkyun nurses his headache in a corner with an aspirin, so by default he’s the judge. Lilith eats her croquettes in a corner too, her ears twitching whenever the idiots get unnecessarily loud because of this stupid competition.

“Guys, shut up,” Changkyun laments, head in hands.

“He called my masterpiece a milking disaster. Fuck you, don’t talk to me or my beautiful yummy dough ever again,” Jooheon says.

“Crab is a weird ass choice for topping, it’s gonna taste like shit,” Hyungwon retorts. He reaches for the can of corn in the grocery bag.

“You shrimp supremacist, how do you even know what shit tastes like?”

“I had some in my dreams once and it sure as hell tastes like crab, so it’s crap.”

Both Changkyun and Jooheon grimace in disgust. “You freak,” Jooheon says. “Just mind your own business and we’ll have Changkyun to judge us.”

Changkyun sighs. When it finally gets a bit silent, he lifts his sweats to peer at his bruised knee. It’s kind of blue and purplish at the edges, when he touches it, he hisses in pain.

“Don’t do alcohol kids.” He hears Hyungwon drawl from the countertop. Changkyun begrudgingly agrees with him. “Too late sweet cheeks,” he mutters, defeated.

Changkyun still remembers the mess he’d made of himself the previous night, in the presence of Hyunwoo no less. He’s so embarrassed and ashamed of his entire existence, and he doesn’t even know how he’ll get to face Hyunwoo again.

He brings a hand up and touches the spot between his eyebrows. No matter how hazy the memory is, it tingles a bit and Changkyun scratches at the spot. He might not have remembered much, but Hyunwoo’s lips had felt very soft against his skin, warm too. It’s…endearing, so very endearing Changkyun’s cheeks flare up in heat.

His head makes a loud _thud_ when he drops it on the kitchen table. It sounds painful.

 

 

Hyunwoo is right. _Hoseok_ and _intimidating_ do not go well together.

Like, at all.

“Come on Changkyun, you can do it, just half a mile more.”

This is torture. Changkyun can’t remember the last time he used his limbs for something other than walking to and fro campus. Maybe lifting a couple heavy grocery bags, and all those mornings he had to run to catch his 8 a.m classes, but that’s about it. Changkyun’s body is not conditioned for such arduous labor. His lungs are singing in great agony, _O’ gentle Lord they can no mooore_ -

The thing is that Hoseok, Hyunwoo’s best friend, Hyunwoo’s gym buddy, Hyunwoo’s hype man (he can now see why), is running ahead of him, clapping in encouragement, telling him ‘you can do it, just a bit more, twenty minutes are almost over, we’re almost there.’

And like, Changkyun genuinely cannot. Keep. Going. His lungs will file a complaint against him for abuse.

But it’s Hoseok, and he’s smiling his beautiful gummy smile, and his waist is snatched, Changkyun knows a number of people willing to kill for it (him included). How can he smile like that in these kinds of circumstances? Changkyun keeps wheezing like a pig, and his knees are ready to snap in gruesome splintered mess of bones.

Hyunwoo jogs far ahead of them, only occasionally doing an over-the-shoulder check, and Changkyun appreciates that. There’s no room for upholding appearances in these dire times, his focus is mainly exclusive to Hoseok, the asphalt and his lungs (and his lungs). His teeth are so itchy, he keeps grinding them.

He knew this was going to be a fucking terrible idea when Hyunwoo had suggested it. _‘Hoseok and I are going on a night run, join us?’_

 _‘No thanks’_ , he’d wanted to say. Instead he said: ‘ _Sure, count me in, my joints have been so stiff lately ahaha.’_

He should’ve known he was competing against two Greek Gods. They’ve been running for more than fifteen minutes, which isn’t much by a toddler’s standards, but Changkyun hasn’t seen the gym in a _little_ while, so please cut him some slack.

The night is supposed to be one of those chilly, frostbitten nights. Changkyun guesses this is one good thing about this whole ordeal, since heat ripples through him in excess.

And just when he wholeheartedly convinces himself that this is it, this is how he’ll go, Hyunwoo stops in a gradual pace, Hoseok joins him, and Changkyun follows their lead.

Instead of standing, he collapses to his knees and shudders in painful inhales. He knows his jugular must be strained, his face must be lava level flushed, and his back must be dripping sweat, but he can’t bring himself to care, he needs the Oxygen.

He feels tapping on his back. “You did amazing, so very proud of you Kkukkungie,” Hoseok says and laughs his whiny contagious laugh. It’s adorable. It’s worth it after all. Changkyun did it for him and the praise is soothing his scrapped raw wind canals.

He thinks for a moment that it’s Hoseok who’s helping him to his feet, until Hyunwoo’s _thighs_ come into view, stifled into tight sweat pants, begging to be freed (oh no, this is highly inappropriate for the public eye). Changkyun takes a second to gulp before he lifts his eyes to Hyunwoo’s less flushed face. He’s smiling too, fond and beautiful honeyed skin. He pats his hair and whispers to him different words of praise.

“I’m sorry we exerted you, but you did really great keeping up the pace,” he says and clasps him on the back.

Changkyun leans back on the pavement fence. He watches for a couple seconds his breath fogging up under the sickly white streetlights. “It’s all thanks to Seokkie hyung, your words were very motivating.”

Hoseok smiles as he moves to stand beside Changkyun. His wide chest is a piece of modern art, so thick and wide and hiding inside an angelic pure heart, and Changkyun has only known him for like, a week.

“Kkukkungie,” he calls and Changkyun feels greats honor to be given such wholesome nickname. He makes barking sounds just for the heck of it.

Hyunwoo is looking to his left, his right hand resting on his hip with sweat coating his hairline and glinting off his smooth buttery arms. Changkyun swallows thickly and his eyes quickly shift to his shoes when Hyunwoo turns around.

“Let’s walk for a couple minutes before we start again,” he says. Hoseok nods before he nudges him.

“Tired? Want me to piggyback you?”

“I can walk just fine, thank you very much,” and he proceeds to faint when earth pivots a couple rounds around him.

Changkyun doesn’t crack his skull open against the pavement like he so predicted for himself some years ago, instead arms catch him before he hits the ground. He sits on his butt and tries not to panic when silver stars dance behind his retinas. He breaks into cold sweats and it takes a while for the shivering to subside and his vision to clear up from pixilated grey haziness. Also, he feels like throwing up, but alas, details.

When he comes to it, he sees Hoseok kneeling in front of him, his forehead wrinkled in worry. He sees long legs on either side of him, and he’s leaning back on something sturdy yet soft. He looks down and finds Hyunwoo holding both his hands tight and steady in contrast to his shriveled ones.

“Holy fuck,” is what he says.

“Told you it was too much for him, Hoseok.” Hyunwoo’s voice rumbles through him like the grounding of coffee beans.

 _‘Holy fucking fuck,’_ Changkyun whispers this time, not sure what to make of this. He looks up and peers at The Moon and queries silently about what’s going on with his heart, it’s too confused.

(Hyunwoo holds his hands tighter, and Changkyun feels a _crack_ in him, whatever that means).

Hoseok pouts, looking visibly upset, which does not feel right for Changkyun. “He was doing great, I thought-”

“It’s fine,” Changkyun cuts in, his voice surprisingly firm.

“But-”

“Hyung I’m really fine, I promise.” He tries to stand up but immediately falters when an arm wraps around his middle and draws him to lean back on the soft sturdy thing (which Changkyun believes is Hyunwoo’s chest he’s pressed into, but hush, his mind can’t take it for now).

“Be patient for a bit, you’ll faint again,” Hyunwoo says. Changkyun complies instantly. Whether or not his butt will survive to see another sunset, he doesn’t know. It’s freezing cold.

There’s a curious glint to Hoseok’s irises, his eyes sparkling bright, as if he just discovered the true purpose to the Universe. Changkyun is slightly unnerved. There’s something he’s not getting, and he’s sure he’ll be doing a lot of reflecting in the sanctuary that is his bed.

The look vanishes from Hoseok’s face before they both help him up to his feet, again. Hoseok doesn’t miss his chance to trap him in his arm.

“I got you buddy,” he whispers in Changkyun’s ear, puts just the slightest pressure on his shoulders.

And it hits him.

The realization hits him.

It hits like a fucking bowling strike.

“oh no,” he mutters under his breath.

_oh no, oh no_

 

 

 

“It’s not true. It can’t be, right? It’s against the laws of Physics, it’s against the essence of Friendships. I can’t be doing this to the equilibrium of Mother Earth.”

Lilith keeps staring at him. She leaves the room when she grows bored.

 

 

“Have you ever been in love?”

Jooheon halts punching his laptop keys, judges him hard and long. “ _What?_ ”

Changkyun pushes from the sofa to look properly at him. It’s been exactly a week, and reflecting he did, and conclusion he drew. One hell of a conclusion, he feels the need to stress. Now he needs to sort through it and lay it bare for himself before something snaps in his brain and permanently damages his neurons.

He tries to sound casual, as if he’s asking about the forecast for the upcoming days and not a potential blackmail material in the hands of one Lee Jooheon.

“It’s just a question, why do you sound so defensive?”

Jooheon puts down his laptop, a fair distance away from any trashy limbs, and stares at him. “Changkyun, Hyungwon and I have been together for two years and nine months.”

“So you have been in love,” Changkyun concludes.

“No shit Changkyun. Why do you think we’ve been together this long?”

He shrugs, pensive. “That’s fair, I guess.” And when Jooheon remains quiet, Changkyun flails on the sofa and hits the carpet right near his smooth bare legs. “I’m just being curious, please don’t drop my friendship bracelet, you know I have only you in the picture.” He clings to Jooheon’s legs and feigns wails.

“Who said anything about dropping you? You’ll keep pestering my ass if I ever do such thing.”

“Is it because I have no shame? Or it’s because we’ve been soul-bros for over a decade?”

“A mix of both?” Jooheon offers and Changkyun nods.

“But in all seriousness, why are you asking about this? I can only think of one explanation, but I doubt you’ve been seeing someone these past few weeks, unless you’re hiding something,” Jooheon says.

Changkyun keeps quiet, face pressed into Jooheon’s thick thighs. Jooheon actually choked him once with those heavenly fleshed legs while they were bantering. It felt great.

He wonders how Hyunwoo’s would feel like-

Jooheon gasps, a siren in the silent apartment. “You have _not_.”

“I don’t understand,” Changkyun says. “Please elaborate.”

But Jooheon’s mouth is wide-opened, his eyes stretched big, and for a moment, Changkyun fears he’s caused him some malfunction in his wirings.

“Im Changkyun, you idiot, you fucking stupid ripened banana head, you gnarly limbed heathen, you-” Jooheon clenches a fist in the air with thin pressed lips.

Changkyun buries his face deeper into Jooheon’s thigh. This is worse than his mom screeching at him to get his ass moving at 7:48 a.m when he had his classes at 8:00 a.m and a school bus to catch.

“I haven’t said anything-”

“But you’re sure as hell insinuating it,” Jooheon interjects.

Changkyun finally sits up, pouty lips and disheveled hair from stressed hands. “You’re being mean. My feelings are fragile.”

“Are you even sure he’s into men? What if he isn’t and you end falling for another straight man? Another unrequited bullshit on your plate. You’re a fucking idiot, you know that.”

“Nothing is confirmed, I was just wondering, questioning. It’s still rhetoric, all of this. This is not high school anymore. I’ve matured and grew taller, a bit, a couple centimeters, but it still counts for something. Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I won’t be too angsty if he does turn out to be straight. I’ll just move on and join the sirens in seducing sailors. I promise, it won’t be like last time.”  Changkyun inhales deeply.

Jooheon’s shoulders droop and the scowl leaves just as quick as it came. “I’m sorry Changkyunnie, that was too harsh. I’m barely one to talk after all that high school crap Hyungwon and I put you through.”

A funny memory resurfaces in Changkyun’s brain. “I literally had to shut you both inside the janitor’s room to make you sort together your feelings or whatever. You guys were bad, I mean really _baaad_. Not sure you understood what the word ‘communication’ meant.”

Jooheon flushes in indignation, he swats at Changkyun. “That’s the past. The past is the past, you’re the case discussed here, not me.”

Changkyun shrugs, but teasing Jooheon is fun, so he keeps jabbing at him until Jooheon roars, pounces on him and chokes him with his fleshy thighs. It feels just as great as Changkyun remembers.

“However this turns out, just remember that Hyungwon, I, and your Miyazaki movies are here for you,” Jooheon says, his voice slightly strained.

“I’d appreciate that. I would also appreciate you not suffocating me to _death_.” Changkyun keeps slapping Jooheon’s smooth legs enclosing his throat; he must’ve been waxing them, the bastard.  Changkyun would love to try it, but his pain tolerance is pathetic, and the thought of tearing his leg hair from the roots puts him in a special kind of terror.

When Jooheon grows bored, he goes on searching for Lilith who’s probably in the midst of her six hours nap.

Changkyun watches his ceiling, thinks; _I am Royally Fucked, and not in a good way_.

 

 

“Seokkie hyung?” Changkyun, in pajama pants and an oversized hoodie, glances up and down at his visitor, thinking maybe this is a mirage because he’s fairly certain it’s twelve in the morning and it’s time for creatures of the night to lurk out.

Hoseok looks at him in clear apology, but his smile is radiant and cute, and cute people are on Changkyun’s Good List.

“Good evening, or wait, is it good night? Either way, I’d like to apologize for this uncanny visit at this god-awful hour. Hyunwoo is not home. He did tell me he had a night shift today, but I just, completely, forgot. I forgot he wasn’t supposed to be back for another two hours, and now I’m here, lost and alone-”

“Hyung, come inside first, it’s cold,” Changkyun cuts him off.

“No, you come outside,” Hoseok says, and when Changkyun stares at him with a blank face, he grabs his arm and jerks him to his chest. Changkyun flies to him like a kite, in supple ease.

“Wait, wait wait, let me at least change from my pajamas, hyung,”

“It’s fine, you look cute in your big hoodie,” Hoseok says and bops his nose.

“But my slippers, at least let me get my shoes and house keys.”

Changkyun changes from his bunny ears slippers (a gift from Hyungwon, God bless his stupid generous ass) and gets his keys and a big scarf from the rack. The wool is shredded in corners because Lilith gets antsy sometimes and destroys things with her claws. Changkyun kisses her head that is no longer the size of a walnut – _she’s growing fast (cue tears of a proud dad)_ – and joins Hoseok outside the building’s gates.

He stares up and pouts when he doesn’t spot The Moon, but lights up when he finds Venus. He struggles with his scarf until Hoseok takes it from him and properly adjusts it over his shoulders.

“Thank you,” Changkyun says, suddenly shy.

“I’m officially declaring you as my younger brother. Congratulations.” Hoseok claps fervently, and it echoes like a theater hall.

“Hyung, did you just brotherzone me?”

The laugh Hoseok blurts out is obnoxiously sweet, it tugs a similar laugh from Changkyun.

“Don’t tell me I’m your boy crush. There are too many already, it’s kind of sad I can’t date you all,” Hoseok says. They start walking down the empty night road, and when it gets too chilly, Changkyun doesn’t hesitate to loop an arm around Hoseok’s own, clinging to him like a drenched puppy.

“You’ve been my _man_ crush since I laid eyes on you. Hyung, your smile and your _muscles_.” Changkyun fans himself. “You’re Gooorgeous, I hope you get to hear that from strangers too, or else their loss. No homo, by the way.” A pause, then “Wait, maybe a bit of homo.”

From the corner of his eyes, Changkyun sees him blushing.

“You little shit.”

Changkyun shrugs, says, “Always here to serve my president,” and takes off in the dark road under the artificial glow of streetlights.

It’s cold and harsh at first, and Changkyun feels his face growing numb from the icy breeze. It gets better though, and when Hoseok finally joins him, Changkyun is panting and coughing like an old retired man. He needs to start working on his endurance. Truly shameful.

Hoseok takes him to a ramen shop, tiny and cozy with few costumers around. There’s a girl sitting alone in a stool, wearing fishnets and shorts and enjoying her Udon. Changkyun can see the Goosebumps this far away, standing sharp on her exposed arms. Her mascara is smudged with faint dark lines trailing down her cheeks. Her red hair is pulled in a loose semi-bun, and she keeps stirring her broth with distant unfocused eyes.

She startles when Changkyun wraps his thick scarf around her, her arms raised defensively, maybe expecting a blow. “What the fu-”

“Please don’t mind the holes, my cat can be mean sometimes, tearing my garments apart.”

She looks at him warily, but when Changkyun gives her a genuine dimpled smile, she drops her frown and smiles just the tiniest bit. “You’re not expecting anything back from me, are you?” She asks, her voice surprisingly deep and husky in contrast to her sweet appearance.

“Yes actually, just one thing,” Changkyun says. “Where did you get your fishnets from? I really want a pair for myself.”

And just like that, her shoulders droop in relief, the wrinkles undo from her forehead, and she laughs, aging years backward.

When he finally takes his spot beside Hoseok, he startles at the look of awe in his star glazed eyes.

“A scoop of kindness wouldn’t hurt?” he offers.

He _oofs_ when Hoseok crushes him in a hug.

 

 

“Forgot to ask you, what’s your type?” Hoseok asks him when they make their way back to Changkyun’s apartment.

“My type?”

“Uhum.”

Changkyun stares at the stretch of darkness overlayed with dots of sparkles. “I’m an O.”

“What?”

Changkyun somehow manages to keep a straight face. “My blood type. Mine is O. What’s yours hyung?”

He yelps when Hoseok knocks on his skull. “That’s not what I meant dummy. You know how to dodge questions, don’t you?”

Changkyun rubs at the itchy spot on his scalp and makes silly noises of laughter. “You could’ve been more precise with your wording, hyung.”

“Did you just call me illiterate?”

“Depends on how you take it.”

Hoseok sighs. “I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I’m really too old for this. Just answer the question, brat.”

Changkyun doesn’t know how to go about this. He takes a moment and Hoseok doesn’t urge him. He rubs his hands together, flaps around his sweater paws. “I like tall people. Tall and toned and broad, you know, with the arms and the abs and the _thighs_. My ex-girlfriend used to carry me in her arms, and it was hot. She used to literally spin me around like a rag doll. She’s probably a body builder now.”

Hoseok remains silent. Changkyun goes on a bit more. “I also like quiet kind people. Kindness is my kink, just so you know hyung.”

“So, Hyunwoo,” Hoseok concludes.

Changkyun widens his eyes at that, and his steps falter on the pavement. Hoseok catches him just in time.

“Careful buttercup,” Hoseok says.

“I can’t seriously be _that_ obvious. Please tell me I’m not that obvious. Seokkie hyung, you were never supposed to know!”

Hoseok laughs. He finds it endearing when Changkyun keeps giving his arms light blows like a kitten scratching for her food.

“Fear not Kkukkungie, your secret is safe. If anything, I’d say Hyunwoo isn’t great at taking hints.”

“But I haven’t given him any hints,” Changkyun says with pouty lips.

“You have not?” Hoseok exclaims, bewildered. “Then what was that face you’d made when Hyunwoo held your hands?”

Changkyun blushes and cups his face with cold fingers. “Freudian slip?”

When he’s finally home, he takes his laptop and googles : _The Subtle Art of keeping a poker face_.

 

 

Hoseok’s words follow him for the next couple weeks, and Changkyun either stress eats until his brain can only focus on the discomfort of a stretched tummy, or scribbles on his bullet journal and tears the papers into tiny pieces. It doesn’t make those feelings go away, if anything he just ends up with a mess of wasted paper.

He is being fucking ridiculous.

“You are being fucking ridiculous,” Jooheon voices it out for him, finally. He digs into his ice cream container with a bit more force than probably necessary.

Changkyun cradles Lilith in his arms. “He’s just being a dick, don’t believe his words baby.”

“I am not talking to her, I am talking to _you_. Stop acting like an edgy teen, those days are gone. You are now an adult, and you should deal with this like one.” Jooheon thrusts the spoon in his mouth, and it clinks against his teeth.

Changkyun cringes at the sound. “You’re forgetting I’m still nineteen. Nine-TEEN. Just sit down and shut your old wrinkly ass, I haven’t even complained to you about this.”

Jooheon immediately dumps his (precious) ice cream on the coffee table for his phone. In his received messages is a compilation of differently worded screams for help. Jooheon scrolls through them all and starts reading them out loud.

 

 **04 January / (11:18 a.m)**  
i don’t know what to do i cant stop thinking about him or his hands  
HOLY FUKK HIS FCKING  
THE MUMFCKING VEINS  
gorgeous, a masterpiece  
*italian chef kiss*  
mayhaps god snapped

 

 **09 January / (2:28 a.m)**  
yo honey this is not a fucking drill IM DYING  
my babies are asleep together  
lilith is adorable  
and hyunwoo  
;-;  
get the ambulance this is how i go  
they so cuuute

 

 **12 January / (11:48 p.m)**  
i just got back home from the movies  
he took me out for dinner  
i dont know what to do or how to feel

 

 **15 January / (10:24 p.m)**  
I loffe himm  
nno mnot drunk;

 

 **21 January / (9:04 a.m)**  
:’))))  
i see god is testing me  
i will prove to you all that im a child of Jesus  
also his ass is beautifully shaped wooah

 

Jooheon, brutal and merciless, reads them all, word by word, with the keysmash included.

“Stop, stop stop stop!” Changkyun scrambles to his feet and throws his whole body weight on Jooheon to squish him into the sofa. His phone slips from his hand, and they roll and trash around in a tangled mess of limbs, crashing into the coffee table and almost causing the ice cream to spill on the carpet. Lilith yelps out of the way.

“You total and complete _ass_ ,” Changkyun hisses in Jooheon’s face while pinning Jooheon beneath him.

“Emo bitch.” Jooheon smashes his forehead into Changkyun’s. They both howl in pain.

Later, much later, when Hyunwoo asks him about the red spot on his forehead, worried, Changkyun shrugs and says, “I guess it was a big annoying mosquito, I hope it _burns_.”

 

 

They go to the same spot they had their first proper conversation together. Today is a Saturday and Changkyun has to show up to work in thirty minutes or so, but Hyunwoo really wanted him to come along for the sake of nostalgia and good memories. Fours mouths now have passed since they took in Lilith, and Good Luck is on their side, the landlord ever clueless to Lilith’s stay in an _‘no pets allowed’_ building.

The bench has dust particles and withered tree leaves sprinkled all over it. Hyunwoo sits down, and when Changkyun tilts his head, puzzled, Hyunwoo shrugs and says, “I can always change my pants.”

“But I have work, unlike you I don’t have the luxury of changing my pants,” Changkyun says.

Hyunwoo reflects for a couple seconds, pensive and golden skin under the first gentle licks of sunshine. He’s wearing his cropped shirt, the one that rides a few inches above his waist line and flashes Changkyun a toned tummy with a waxed happy trail. It looks so good on him and Changkyun just wants to feel that part of Hyunwoo’s beautiful skin.

When Hyunwoo pats his lap, Changkyun frowns. “I refuse.”

“Come now Changkyunnie, no one is around,” Hyunwoo says, his smile streaked with sunlight.

“I’m heavy, I’ll crush you.”

“Trust me, you won’t.”

“I refuse to be babied.”

“No one is babying you, baby Changkyun.” He pats his lap again.

Changkyun knows Hyunwoo is just teasing him, he even has his goofy smile on, which is the most endearing thing ever. But those two simple words coming from Hyunwoo’s mouth are doing things to him, questionable heart palpitating things, and the flush is crawling up his neck, fast.

Changkyun sits on Hyunwoo’s lap and tries not to startle when Hyunwoo loops two strong arms around his midriff to secure him.

“There, see? No one died, no meteor is in sight, everything is okay. Perfect.” He chuckles.

Changkyun has his heart somewhere in his throat, and his palms start feeling sweaty and gross. He lets out a noiseless long exhale and prays to his Lord that Hyunwoo won’t sense his nerves. “Thank you grandpa.”

“You can’t call me grandpa, you already established me as your dad,” Hyunwoo says.

“Never did such thing,” Changkyun says. The wind ruffles his hair and plasters it into his eyes.

“You did, and Hoseok is the proof.”

“Hoseokkie hyung will stand by me and lie for my sake. He loves me too much.”

“Seokkie is my best friend and he won’t dare betray me.”

“He calls me Kkukkungie. No one can beat that, not even you hyun-”

They both jump when a stray cat jumps from the bushes running in pursuit of a little sparrow. Hyunwoo’s arms have somehow tightened to an almost painful degree, and Changkyun buries himself deeper in his hold, hand on his heart in fright.

The wind whispers gently again and they laugh so hard, tears prick Changkyun’s eyes. Hyunwoo has now his chin against Changkyun’s shoulder, his cute deep chuckles in direct contact to Changkyun’s eardrums.

Changkyun somehow slumps further in Hyunwoo’s arms. The most comfortable he’s felt in a while.

“We’re such cowards. It was just a cat,” Changkyun says. Hyunwoo hums. They fall in a comfortable light silence punctured by the sound of ruffled tree leaves.

And it’s all good and great until Changkyun has to run for work.

 

 

Changkyun jumps up awake to a thunder crack. It was so loud, he felt it in his marrow, and now he feels so shaky and the apartment is plunged into deafening darkness. He gets to his knees and draws back the curtains. Rain dents the asphalt, strong and pungent and so intense looking Changkyun shrivels back and covers himself with his blanket.

“Lilith?” he calls weakly. Changkyun doesn’t sense the shifting by his feet where Lilith usually spends her time sleeping. By nature, he gets up, turns on the lights and goes to look for his baby cat, blanket still covering him like the silhouette of a Halloween ghost. He hears it again, and the whole apartment flashes white, blinds his eyes and pierces his heart with terror.

Changkyun searches in the kitchen first, where dishes fill the sink and where his dinner leftovers stare back at him. He looks for her again, calling gently her name. He’s growing worried, and the sound of unrelenting shower rain worsens the dread in his guts.

Changkyun heads to the living room next where the shadow of someone stares at him.

He screams.

Changkyun screams like he never did before, screams until he feels his vocal cords scorching him and he subconsciously grabs his blanket tighter around him. The shadow screams back, and Changkyun screams louder, and thunder hits again, and the lights go out, _what is going on?_

“ _Fuck fuck fuckin’ fuuuck_ ,” he screams a third (fourth?) time and tries to flee but stumbles on his blanket and goes to his knees. He crawls like a slug, but a little more desperate, not knowing where he’s exactly heading to, but just wanting out of here. His soul almost leaves his body when he feels a hand wrap around his ankle.

“Get away from me!” he shouts and trashes his limbs. He feels a crack when his foot hits something soft, and the groan that follows sounds strangely familiar.

“Changkyun, hey Changkyun!”

“Get away! Get away!”

“It’s me, Hyunwoo, calm down, _fuck_ that hurts.”

Changkyun freezes in his spot. The realization that follows is more painful than his initial bone-melting terror. “Hyunwoo?” he says in the darkness and tries to sit on his butt and decipher movement in his periphery.

“Yes, it’s me, Hyunwoo, are you okay?” Hyunwoo asks, so clearly pained. Changkyun gets a powerful sense of déjà-vu.

“I’m so so _so_ sorry, oh Jesus, I’m so sorry hyung, where did I hit you?”

“My crotch.”

“Holy shit.”

“I’m gonna touch you now, is that okay?” Hyunwoo asks him carefully.

Changkyun doesn’t hesitate. “Yes, yes I think I’m fine now.” He extends his hands in the darkness, his eyes wild and his heart wilder. Adrenaline leaves his veins, and he feels so exhausted suddenly he just wants to sleep for the next thousand years, in a coffin preferably to channel his inner Dracula.

Hyunwoo finally finds his hands, clasps them together and sits beside him. “Where’s your phone?” He asks as he squeezes them.

“Battery died. What about yours?”

“Forgot to bring it with me.”

Thunder rumbles again, but less powerful this time.

“You’re trembling Changkyunnie. Are you cold?” Hyunwoo says, pressing closer to him.

“I…dude, I thought I was going to die. Hyung, why do you keep doing this to me?”

Hyunwoo chuckles and it’s just the best thing to lighten up the mood and laugh about this ridiculous turn of events. “I’m not dying of old age, I’m dying of a heart attack because my neighbor keeps scaring me in the wee hours of the mornings. Be sure to mention that in my headstone,” Changkyun says and nudges Hyunwoo’s shoulder.

“You were so scared, I never heard you scream like that. Who did you think it was?”

“A murderer. A serial killer. An organ trafficker. A clown.”

“A clown?” Hyunwoo parrots.

Changkyun shrugs in the darkness. “I’m coulrophobic, okay? The whole concept of clowns can burn in the fifth circle of hell. Wait hyung, why did you come here? It’s like two in the morning and you literally have classes at 8 a.m.”

Changkyun tries not to jump but fails when Hyunwoo touches his face, then his clavicles before his hands grip tightly his upper arms and slowly lifts him up. Changkyun is grateful for their blinded eyes, his cheeks are burning. Rain is powerful as ever, stomping like a child deprived of their favorite toy.

“I have a…Well, let’s just say a weakness. I have a weakness, yeah, and usually Hoseok is there to help me with it,” Hyunwoo says.

He’s too close, Changkyun can actually feel his words against his face. He rests his hands on Hyunwoo’s chest, and says, “A weakness?”

“Yep, a weakness.” Hyunwoo falls silent.

Thunder rolls again. Chankyun feels just the slightest quiver coming from Hyunwoo. He easily connects the dots. “You’re astraphobic, thunderstorms scare you.” He concludes.

“How do you know the name to that?”

“Mayhaps I’m an encyclopedia.”

“Mayhaps you’re just a nerd.”

“Hyung, do you want me to cuddle you or not?” He blurts out without thinking, but Hyunwoo just laughs and together they make their way carefully to Chankyun’s room. Changkyun steps on his keys, which make him whimper in pain and he reaches blindly for Hyunwoo’s arm before he tumbles to the floor.

“Are you okay?” Hyunwoo holds his hand tight and they take small baby steps again.

“I’m so clumsy. I think I just impaled my foot with my house keys. By the way, I can’t find Lilith. Have you seen her when you came here?”

“She was asleep on the sofa, but I think we might have scared her awake.”

Hyunwoo smashes his shoulder into the doorframe, Changkyun knocks his head into the doorknob and steps on Hyunwoo’s toes. When they finally get to Changkyun’s bed, they’re exhausted, sore, ready to sleep the night off.

Everything is dark, and the street lights are out too. The rain decreased in its intensity, but Zeus is still wilding with his lightening struck. Changkyun had been conscientious enough to pick up with him his blanket. They lay down together, and Changkyun draws the blanket over them, hits the pillow and watches what he thinks must be the ceiling. He’s getting nervous, he can feel the tingles under his skin. Humming and thrilled.

“So, little spoon or big spoon?” Changkyun asks.

“Hoseok usually helps me like this,” Hyunwoo takes him in his arms squeezes him with the power of a stallion.

“ _Holy_ -hyung! That’s too much force, I’m gonna die,” Changkyun wheezes. Hyunwoo only gradually eases his hold and snorts. “Weakling,” he mumbles.

“Well, excuse me for being a fragile human, blame that on my genes. Hoseokkie really likes this?”

Hyunwoo pauses for a second. Changkyun can feel his soft exhales against the skin of his forehead. “He’s usually okay with it. He’s also, harder? Wait no, that came out wrong.”

Changkyun cackles like a middle schooler who just came up with a platinum gold dick joke.

Hyunwoo pinches his cheek. “What I’m trying to say is that when I hug him he doesn’t whine like a certain someone.”

“I’m willing to bet he’s all about that BDSM-ish life.”

“He could be, never truly asked about his proclivities in bed.”

Changkyun scrunches his nose. “I’m actually glad you didn’t.”

Hoseok is one special species of Angles and he’ll remain that pure kind creature in Chankyun’s eyes for as long as his days extend.

They fall quiet again, the skies only occasionally spitting thunders. Changkyun finds his perfect position, one arm around Hyunwoo’s waist, the other trapped between their chests. His head fits perfectly above Hyunwoo’s collarbone, and when Hyunwoo runs gentle hands over his back, he tries to suppress the shudders and take short inaudible sniffs of his fruity scent.

“Has it always been like this?” Changkyun queries in a low tone. Changkyun can’t see him, but he can feel him pouting against his skin, and that sparks a twinkle in his guts, a dip of stardust.

“Actually, no. I’ve always been okay with it. It was still terrifying, but I never lost sleep because of it. It got worse when I started living alone, so overwhelming for me I couldn’t deal with it alone. Seokkie is the only one who knows about it. Other than you, of course.”

Changkyun doesn’t understand what’s consuming his heart, so he ignores it. “I feel suddenly so special. Thank you for trusting me with your secret.”

Hyunwoo chuckles. He squeezes Changkyun in his arms and breathes out slowly and evenly.  Changkyun, for just a second, dares to hope, dares to press to Hyunwoo closer, hold him tighter, align their heartbeats together. A hiccup surges up and he snuffs it out.

“Hush now, you’re my body pillow, baby boy,” Hyunwoo mumbles deeply.

 “I thought you said you wouldn’t be babying me.”

“Just this once, baby Changkyun, please just this once.” He takes his longest inhale, as if he’s keeping something down, as if there’s a shipwreck somewhere in the deep wide ocean and he’s holding the sadness and the helplessness of all boarding passengers in his one small beating heart. It’s too much, everything is too much, and when the room flashes white, it momentarily blinds him. Changkyun tears up silently and sleeps.

 

 

He startles up when a dead weight lands on him and snuggles inside the small space between their bodies. Changkyun makes space for Lilith, and she keeps going into rounds, kneading through the sheets and shredding the linen until she settles in a comfortable position and purrs into his ear.

Hyunwoo snores softly, his hold looser, and though the lights are still out, Changkyun makes out just the faintest lines of his beautiful features. Slowly and carefully, like a tooth fairy, he traces his brow bone down his temple, hand shaky and pausing by the cupid bow.

Changkyun wonders- _has been wondering for a moment_ \- how they would feel like, pressed to his in the softest kind of touch, in the gentlest press of skin. Such pretty lips.

He lets his hand fall to Lilith’s fur and lets the purring lull him back to sleep.

 

 

“We’re leaving for four months, give or take,” Hoseok declares and Changkyun says, “Oh.” And he looks at Hyunwoo, stunned. _Un coup de foudre_ , Hyungwon would say, but like, in the literal sense.

“Oh,” he says again because he doesn’t know how words work anymore, what goes first and what stays last, is it the subject or the verb or the object, and why does he suddenly feel hollowed and forked dry like a sardine container?

“Hyunwoo and I snatched two crazy good internships for our graduation. The company is a hundred miles away, so we thought it’d be better for us to move out for these four months, we’ll be leaving next week, and Hyungwonnie, what’s taking you so long? I want my waffle!” Hoseok scurries to the kitchen where Hyungwon had been kind enough to make them honeyed waffles with a dash of cream berries.

Jooheon senses the mood. He leaves the living room to join the duo in the kitchen. Their friendship had clicked seamlessly, all five of them. Hoseok had looked at Hyungwon and said: _I want those lips!_ Looked at Jooheon and said: _I want those dimples!_ Looked at them together and said: _I want a fucking boyfriend!_

Anyway, that was the prequel to a blooming friendship, their own cult dare he say, a bunch of rowdy young adults with Jooheon as their Leader, and it’s fun, it has been fun so far. Changkyun is having fun.

_was_

“Congratulations?” he tries and cringes, that was kind of awkward. He busies his hands with scratching Lilith behind the ears, presses gently on her cute paws to show razor-sharp claws, and thinks in a loop; _four months four months four months-_

On the bright side, it’s only for four months, not six, not eight, only four-

_…_

_-months._

“I am a horrible human being,” he says. He blinks, he finds tears. “Truly horrible, worst of my kind.”

Hyunwoo holds his hand, and he lets him. Changkyun lets him.

“That’s not true. You’re one of the best people I’ve had the fortune of meeting,” Hyunwoo says. He flips Changkyun’s hand palm up and twines their fingers together.

“I’m not upset, I promise I’m really not,” Changkyun says and he sniffles. “These are just tears of happiness. I’m so happy for you. Truly truly am, I’m sorry.” He passes sleeves over his wet cheeks, but his eyes just won’t stop leaking, his throat tight, kindling flames. Lilith snuggles closer to him and Hyunwoo wraps an arm around his frame and squeezes him closer too. Changkyun rests his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder, breathes long and shaky, tries to ignore how ridiculous he’s being right now.

But four months of not seeing Hyunwoo has never been fathomable to him, it’s truly beyond him, and it’ll take him eons and eons to adjust to a life without Hyunwoo, no matter how temporary it is.

 “I’ll miss you. Lilith and I, we will miss you dearly.”

“I’ll miss you too, so very, very much,” Hyunwoo says.

“I’m sorry, I’m blowing this out of proportions. I’m just not sure who will now be scaring me to death at two in the morning. You can’t get dethroned.”

Hyunwoo huffs a gentle laugh. “Jooheon, maybe?”

“He’s too soft, and _dumply_? Does that word even exist?”

“Hyungwon then.”

“He’s as intimidating as a pizza sauce. Oh wait, pizza sauce can be chilly. He has potential.” Changkyun sob-smiles and buries his face into Hyunwoo’s shoulder.

Chattering and loud plate scraping come from the kitchen. Changkyun recognizes Hyungwon’s habit of scraping his fork into ceramic, and it’s so annoying he almost hurled a glass at him once. Changkyun feels that fork grating on his skull, feels it denting his bones painfully slow, chipping it gone. He lets his eyes close shut.

 

 

A week goes by, speedy-breezy, spinning Changkyun in despair, and now he stands before Hyunwoo and Hoseok in the slightly crammed train situation with their mountainous luggage roaming the background.

Someone wheezes by Changkyun so fast he stumbles forward. He watches the person jump in the train just in time before the doors _whoosh_ shut.

Changkyun looks back to his favorite Greek Gods. They’re a wonder, individually, together, inspirational muses to Artists from The Renaissance.

Unfortunately, Hyungwon has work and Jooheon has classes, and Hoseok, upset, is still pouting for not being able to see them a last time.

It’s only four months, 31+30+31+30 days. Changkyun will be fine.

“Seokkie hyung, stop sulking. You can always facetime them,” Changkyun says. He checks his watch and finds that only ten minutes are left.

“But I wanted to kiss Jooheon and hug his soul out of his body with these,” he flexes his arm, his sweater stretching taut over his bicep. Changkyun shares a look with Hyunwoo. He finds him just as embarrassed.

“You can always uhhh-hug his soul when you return back,” Changkyun suggests.

“No, I’ll do it now. You better deliver this to Jooheon and Hyungwon.”

Hoseok crushes him in a tight hug. Changkyun appreciates the sentiment, it’s so very sweet, but his lungs would appreciate some oxygen more. Hoseok loosens his arms a bit, pats his hair and kisses his cheek. Changkyun is already in tears, and that in turn triggers Hoseok’s own tear ducts. Hyunwoo passes him a tissue and wipes Changkyun’s tears for him.

“Seokkie, you can’t cry, you have makeup on,” Hyunwoo chastises him gently.

“Too late, you’ll fix it for me in the train, and don’t give me that ‘I don’t know how to do makeup’ look, you have the skills and I’ll make good use of them thank you very much.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t even bother to argue back. Changkyun finds this exchange highly amusing. He’ll miss them. Five minutes now.

“Baby boy,” Hyunwoo says playfully, and Changkyun rolls his eyes, blushes too, “you still have my number, I presume.”

“I’ll bother you day and night, at midday too. You better pick up your phone Son Hyunwoo, don’t leave me on voicemail,” Changkyun says.

Hyunwoo makes a cross over his chest. “I won’t, I swear it on my life.”

Changkyun smiles wide, his eyes upturned just the tiniest bit. Hyunwoo gives him an equally sweet smile.

Hoseok mumbles ‘bathroom break, bathroom break’ before he disappears into the corridor. Changkyun knows better, and he’ll be sure to buy Hoseok that big fluffy teddy bear he was eying last week when they went shopping together even if he has to give up a leg and an arm for it.

He startles when Hyunwoo takes his hand and places something cold in it. He finds the keys he gave him some months ago, the time they took Lilith in. That burns his throat impossibly stronger, because it seems _realer_ now, Hyunwoo is really leaving for 31+30+31+30 days.

“God, this is so embarrassing, I’m so sorry,” Changkyun says when tears spill again.

Hyunwoo steps closer to him and wraps him in a tight embrace. Changkyun clings to him, his hands holding Hyunwoo’s trench coat in white-knuckled fists, his face so deeply pressed into Hyunwoo’s shoulder, printing into memory that familiar fruity scent a final time. “You can always return them back to me when I come home, yeah? It’s gonna be fine, I promise Changkyunnie. Time will wheeze by so fast you won’t even feel it.”

“’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Changkyun doesn’t stay to see them board the train. He walks away from the station, not once looking back, and he walks and walks and walks, for hours maybe, a whole afternoon, missing classes and missing work and ignoring calls, just walking until his soles cry from abuse, fiery red and on the verge of bleeding. He collapses in his bed, sleeps with Lilith in his arms and the keys by his head.

 

 

“We’re going to the beach,” Jooheon says.

“What?” Changkyun says.

“ _What?_ ” Hyungwon says.

And Jooheon rolls his eyes. “Did I stutter? Get your asses moving, I’m driving.”

“It’s freezing outside. I’m not going anywhere,” Changkyun grumbles, cuddling closer to Hyungwon and basking in the warmth of the blankets.

“You’ve been brooding for days. I’m surprised you haven’t been fired yet. This is not the Changkyun I know,” Jooheon says, his lips pouting and probably adorable in any other situation, but right now, he’s just annoying and Hyungwon seems to agree.

“Cry me a fucking river, Jooheon.” Changkyun says and tries not to flip him off, but man is it tempting to shock Jooheon away. It’s a Sunday night, what the hell will they be doing at this time in the beach?

Unless-

“You just gone and done it, haven’t you?”

“Done what?” Jooheon frowns. He leans on the doorframe, arms crossed.

“You graceless animal, you blood thirsty dumpling, you homewrecker, you-”

“I didn’t kill anyone, if that’s what you’re suggesting.”

“You-” Changkyun clenches his fist in the air and Hyungwon clasps it in his long noodly fingers. He holds him closer.

“Joohoney is right. You need some fresh air, you’ve been in this dungeon like room for way too long, and that’s not healthy,” Hyungwon says. His muffled voice resounds in Changkyun’s head.

“Not you too Wonnie. I thought I knew you better, never took you for a bunch of criminals.”

“Just get moving Kkukkungie, I’ll feed Lilith while you guys get ready,” Jooheon says, turning to leave the room.

“No one has the right to that word except Hoseokkie-hyung!” He yells after him.

They turn the car ride into a karaoke session, and they almost fucking crash because Jooheon thought it funny to let go of the steering wheel and _dab_. Hyungwon scolds him for twenty minutes straight, because 1.they’re college students and he absolutely _cannot_ afford the repairs and 2.that’s such a stupid way to go, and Changkyun wholeheartedly agrees. He doesn’t want that on his headstone, embarrassing his parents even after death.

But they do make it alive to the shore, and the first thing Jooheon does is toss his shoes in the cold sand and do a back flip.

“Show off,” Changkyun says. “That’s so basic, I bet you can’t do somersaults on sand.”

Jooheon does somersaults on sand. He also gets it stuck in his clothes and hair, and Changkyun laughs in vengeance.

Jooheon challenges him in a race. “Hyungwon will be the arbiter. Loser buys the rest pizza.”

“That’s not fair, Hyungwon should participate too,” Changkyun says, stomping on sand like a fussy child.

“Hyungwon is our Lord and Savior, God bless, show some respect peasant.” A pause, then, “He’s also as useful as an inflated balloon, and his long limbs are only for show, we can’t put him through this.”

Hyungwon remains standing in the background, the beach waves rippling near his bare feet, a big grey scarf draped over his shoulders. His bleached strawberry hair sways over his eyes in the night breeze. “I get the feeling I’m taking out my children, or better yet my dogs, my cute little bulldogs. Bark for me, _mon amour_.”

“Woof Woof,” Jooheon exclaims.

Changkyun tries not to cringe, ends up failing hard. “You furries.”

“As if you’re any better,” Jooheon says. “Woof Woof motherfucker.”

The first race, Jooheon wins because Changkyun had stumbled on his feet and ate sand, literally. Jooheon and Hyungwon laugh so hard they spill tears, then they help him up before they laugh some more.

“Oh _Seigneur_ , _je t’adore_ Changkyunnie. I love you so, so much,” Hyungwon wheezes between fits of laughter. He crumbles to the ground and clutches his tummy.

Changkyun wishes they crashed when Jooheon had dabbed in the car. He keeps spitting the solid particles and tries not to cry in shame. Jooheon and Hyungwon crowd him in a group hug.

“I’m so embarrassed, I want to die,” Changkyun whines.

“It’s okay, no one was around when you fell,” Jooheon assures him and rubs his back in gentle, comforting strokes.

“Yeah, except maybe for that couple we’ve seen holding hands up the hill, no one was around,” Hyungwon says with a mischievous smile, and Changkyun groans.

The second race is a tie, but because Changkyun has given them too much of a great show, they decide to buy him pizza _and_ fried chicken. Changkyun would like to thank them, but he genuinely believes he deserves this. He can still feel the sand grinding against his molars, and it’s not fun. He’d like another hug too, extra tight please, to squeeze the shame away, this is going down as his second most embarrassing story in his whole nineteen years of life.

The first spot is reserved for that time he accidently walked in on Hyunwoo showering. He panicked like a newlywed maiden because he could see _everything_. Nothing was left to his imagination; everything was laid bare for him, quite fucking literally, _Jesus_.

Changkyun smiles into his palm at the memory and leans on the foggy window. Hyungwon is driving this time, not taking any risks again, and Jooheon sits sulking in the passenger seat.

The Moon winks in and out, momentarily blinded by the dark ashy clouds and only specked with few stars. Changkyun feels. Great.

Yeah, he feels Great.

He thinks he might be ready to make the call.

 

 

A lifetime of motivational speeches, three energy drinks, and a four hours nap later, Changkyun finally (finally) makes the call.

At first, everything is groggy and statics loud. Changkyun almost cuts the call, thinking he might have dialed the wrong number, but then Hyunwoo’s unusually chirpy voice surges through the line. “Hello?”

“Hyunwoo hyung!” Changkyun tries to simmer down the excitement bubbling in abundance in his chest before it foams through his mouth, but Hyunwoo beats him to it and almost yells his next words. “Changkyunnie! Oooh my baby Changkyunnie. Hoseokkie, it’s my baby. Oh my God, I missed you sooo fucking much.”

Changkyun takes a second to respond, confused but also beyond ecstatic. Hyunwoo never ever swears in front of him, with some exceptions of course, like that time he accidently kicked him in the crotch, which is, well, understandable. “Hyung, are you drunk?”

“Course not, I’m a responsible adult,” he says, then hiccups.

Changkyun smiles wide, giddy with tingly limbs he’d like to chop off. Instead, he hangs his head off the bed and puts his legs up against the wall. Lilith plays with his dangling necklace. She scratches his cheek once, twice, before he cramps her in his arm and holds her against his chest. “You’re totally drunk. How far are you hyung?”

“I’d say, one bottle of wine?”

“You’re lying.”

“Okay, maybe two.”

Changkyun stays quiet.

“Fine, two and a half,” Hyunwoo says.

Changkyun grins into Lilith’s fur. It sticks to his lips and he spits a couple times. “How are you guys doing? Scored any habitable space? Rent is crazy expensive there.”

“Well, the roof leaks sometimes, and it’s like, so cold you’d think we’re polar bears from the Arctic Ocean.”

“I do think you’re polar bears from the Arctic Ocean,” Changkyun provides helpfully.

“Thank you for the input, chipmunk.”

“Hey! I’m not a chipm-”

“Anyway, we’re actually alive baby Changkyun, so let’s cheer to that.”

Changkyun hears a clink of shot glasses through the line, and then a loud exceptionally unique laugh almost pierces his ear drums and permanently damages his hearing.

“Kkukkungie!” Hoseok screeches.

Changkyun is deaf now. “Seokkie hyung, you’re loud.”

“Oops, Sorry!” He shouts again. “Hyunwoo, I don’t know how this works, I’m so oooold.”

“You’re twenty three, Hoseok.” Hyunwoo tells him.

“I am an ooooold wrinkled leather pouch, Hyunwoo what the _fuck_?”

“Oh my God, you guys are so drunk,” Changkyun says, laughing, almost hysterical. He wants to be amongst them so bad. He would’ve taken pictures and filmed documentaries about this unusual occurrence. Changkyun has never seen them shit faced before.

They put him on speaker mode. The next couple conversations allure to car wrecks and a general sense of chaos, no order, neither a logical train of thoughts in sight. Changkyun glances at Lilith and finds her out for the night. Unlike him, Hyunwoo’s voice grows deeper with a punch of alcohol. It’s so lulling and gentle, and Changkyun wants him to narrate his life.

At some point, Hoseok starts crying, and Changkyun has to bite in a laugh, this is so precious.

“I miss you guys so much. I miss Jooheon and I miss Hyungwon and I miss Changkyun. Hyunwoo, I miss you too, please don’t feel left out.” He sniffles.

“I understand Seokkie, we miss you too, so please stop crying,” Hyunwoo says.

Changkyun hears shifting in the background. He puts his own phone on speaker mode and looks in his wardrobe for the hoodie he secretly kept for himself when Hyunwoo forgot about on one of his night visits. He slips it over his head and takes deep inhales of the subtle fruity scent clinging still to the garment.

Hoseok keeps sniffling in the background.

“Changkyunnie, still there?” Hyunwoo asks.

“Ah yes, just dozed out for a bit,” he lies.

“I’ll tuck Hoseok in bed and kiss him goodnight, can you wait five minutes for me, baby boy?”

Changkyun’s heart skids on icy flooring, making his veins shudder. “Of course hyung, I’ll wait for you here. Please kiss him twice, one on my behalf, thank you.”

Hyunwoo giggles. “Consider that done.”

Then it’s silent for a couple minutes.

Changkyun gets his blanket and phone, grows comfortable in his bed. He gently lifts Lilith to place her beside his pillow. She opens big sleepy eyes, looks at him for a couple seconds and closes them again. He caresses her head and small twitchy ears. She starts purring.

Hyunwoo’s voice startles him awake. “Changkyunnie?”

“Hyung, you’re back,” he says and rubs his eyes.

“You fell asleep? Already?” he tusks. “Truly a weakling.”

“Stop bullying me, Hyunwoo.” Changkyun usually doesn’t drop the honorifics, but Hyunwoo is drunk, so he’s sure he’ll let him off this time.

“In all seriousness, how have you been Changkyun? How’s Lilith doing?”

“We’re doing great, I promise. She’s growing fast, and I’m such a proud parent. I love my daughter.”

“What about you?” Hyunwoo’s tone of voice is serious. Changkyun takes a second to consider. He draws the blankets closer to him.

“I’m fine. It’s been. Lonely. For a bit. The old lady misses you, she always asks me about you. I tell her, he’s doing great grandma, don’t worry, he’ll come home in a couple months, he’s doing great. Yeah.”

“Changkyu-”

“It’s hard, I won’t lie and say it’s not, because it is.” Changkyun can’t stop his thoughts from tumbling out. He feels heat crawling up his neck, and it settles around the soft skin of his eyes. “I’ve been considering stuff in my head lately. I keep going into loops of unnecessary dilemmas, my insecurities choking the fun out of whatever I’m enjoying at the time, and I’m so done and _tired_ Hyunwoo.  I’m so done with overthinking stuff, it’s not getting me anywhere. I’m sorry, I’m-”

“No, go on,” Hyunwoo cuts him off. “Please, go on. I’m listening Changkyunnie.”

“Are you sober now?”

“Got me a cup of water.”

Changkyun smiles. “I have something to tell you,” he says, the unspoken words hang in the air, and Changkyun lets them so they could bloom into hibiscus and poppies, his own pretty flower beds that he hopes won’t end up getting incinerated into sad ashes.   

The imagery makes him tear up.

“I have something to tell you, Hyunwoo,” he repeats, a little more confident.

“Okay, alright, I’m all ears and no tongues. You can talk now, or you can wait for me when I come home.”

“I’ll wait for you when you come home,” Changkyun says.

“That’s fine too,” Hyunwoo says.

And they both call it a night.

 

 

The first month is the hardest, and it passes so arduously long and lonely and cold.

(very bitterly cold, the weather is unloving, unforgiving,)

Changkyun turns into a mechanically wired android, for all he does is sleep and eat and study and work and panic at least once a day. Yep, that’s about it. Well, maybe feed into Jooheon’s crap too, but he’s been doing that for the past decade, and it’s now permanently slapped into his resume.

Once, he slices through his finger with a sharp knife in the midst of cutting onions, and he cry-panics to Jooheon through the phone for a solid thirty minutes until he makes him drop plans with Hyungwon to come and spend the night with him.

(so maybe Jooheon has to deal with his crap as well, but the world needn’t know)

Changkyun after that starts tending to his inconsistent outbursts by taking Lilith on night walks with her new leash, and she absolutely _loves_ it.  Only problem is that he has to keep sneaking her in and out to avoid the landlord’s watchful eye, but that’s fine. They have established long ago that they would always risk it all for Lilith. Always and forever their favorite daughter. Changkyun wonders if she’s starting to miss her other parental figure.

Changkyun wonders why the fuck time is walking on eggshells.

Today, he gurgles awake super duper late, and the whole apartment bounces back his screams, _my chem professor is soooo gonna kick my ass out_ , fretting from bathroom to kitchen to kissing Lilith a final time before he locks the door and runs his way to campus.

When he finds class cancelled, Changkyun looks up to the sky and says, “God, if you hear me on this beautiful sunny day, please send Good Karma my way, it’s about fucking time, thank you.” Then he sets to go home and score some more hours of sleep, maybe bake something sweet in the house.

Changkyun stumbles instead into sweet smiley Yugyeom, his classmate. He offers a polite smile of his own. “Hey, class is cancelled today,” he says and refers to the shut doors.

Yugyeom nods, momentarily distracted by the grumbling annoyed students who pass them to the exit. Today is a beautiful sunny day, but it’s not starting well for any of them.

Instead of moving back, Yugyeom holds his forearms real tight. Changkyun’s features lock into something more serious. “What’s wrong?” he asks, hoping this won’t be his first panic of the day, it’s too early for that.

But Yugyeom only squeezes tighter and tells him, “Can you come with me? I need to tell you something.” His eyes are wide, slightly troubled, and Changkyun nods solemnly.

He leaves campus with him and keeps eying the sky for his Good Karma.

 

 

“He asked me out,” Changkyun says.

Jooheon chokes on his mocha. “He did _what_ now?”

Changkyun passes him napkins, rubbing his back for him. “I’m not that bad looking, why do you seem so surprised?”

“You know that’s not what I meant Changkyunnie,” Jooheon says, dabbing at his mouth with the napkin, looking as bewildered as a deer in flight. Changkyun bops his nose, and he swats his hand away. “How did you answer? How did you take it? What was his reaction like? This is such a terrible timing for him, I already feel bad.” His adorable pout lets itself known. He puts his mocha away.

Changkyun feels terrible too. “It’s okay, I let him down gently.”

He could’ve agreed to try things out by a simple first date, just like Yugyeom had suggested. _It doesn’t need to be anything more_ , he’d said. But Changkyun just- couldn’t do it. Getting someone’s hopes up is something he couldn’t do, the disappointment would’ve been much worse, and so he declined.

Currently he feels shitty and he rests his head on Jooheon’s lap.

“Why must life work backwards Jooney? Why can’t things just right themselves out and cut us some slack? Why did I ever want to grow up and become an adult? Why was I such a _dumb_ child?”

Jooheon doesn’t have the answers, but his fingers on Changkyun’s scalp feel like a dive in heaven, pressure just right, touch caring and gentle.

He falls asleep just like that.

 

 

“Jooheon told me you’ve got a secret admirer,” Hyunwoo tells him one Saturday morning.

Changkyun balances the phone between his shoulder and ear, currently rummaging in his wardrobe for the Hoodie, he absolutely needs it, this past week has been absolute garbage, and the Hoodie is a good cure for that. Rainbows and Sunshine remediate the sad sad world whenever he has it on; Changkyun feels an obligation to humanity.

But he can’t find it, and he’s about to lose his fucking mind.

“I see he’s no longer a secret admirer now,” he says, hands on hips, sending Lilith suspicious stares.

“How did you answer though?” Hyunwoo asks, tone chillier than usual.

Changkyun takes the phone in his hand; his shoulder is starting to cramp. “What? Jealous, Son Hyunwoo?” he teases and trudges to the living room.

“Yes.”

Changkyun stops cold in his tracks. Lilith actually stumbles into his legs, and she mewls in complains, licking her paws and scratching her head. Changkyun would have laughed, but right now he’s trying to remember to use words and not gurgle like a toddle around a mouthful of disgusting baby food.

“Yes, as in, you need my approval of you getting a boyfriend anytime soon. You’re my baby boy, I cannot just let anyone through, there’s a list of criteria that need to be met, totally and absolutely, Changkyun, are you listening?”

But Changkyun only groans and hangs up. He screams until he hears some assholish neighbor outside his door in the staircase yell at him to ‘ _shut up!_ ’

Changkyun finds the Hoodie though, nestled behind the long living room curtains, with suspicious scratches adorning the sleeves and collar, and a tremendous amount of cat hair clinging stubbornly to the fabric. When he looks at her again, Lilith runs to the kitchen to her croquettes, swishing her majestic tail behind her. 

He dusts it off, slips it on and runs to work.

That Saturday it rains.

That Saturday a rainbow circles the sad gray sky. Changkyun grins at The Moon in her complete round and glowing glory.

 

 

The next two months are less about the people and more about the papers.

Changkyun eats words, and dreams about the organs of dismantled kitten and frogs. Accounting is a special kind of hell on earth, and if life ever lands him in a management control department, he’ll gently see himself out and stand before a fast speeding bullet train.

Hyungwon and Jooheon cram together with him, and for once his boss shows some genuine human decency by letting him off his weekdays’ shifts.

And so the days blur together, bad and good and ugly all the same, it’s him and the exams in a heated staring contest, and if he dares blink, then game fucking over. Changkyun is here to ace his finals, he’s a _go hard or go home_ kind of guy.

Changkyun is also here to forget the time that’s still walking on eggshells. Hyunwoo is so busy with his internship he hardly finds the chance to talk to him. Changkyun perfectly understands, and they text instead, exchanging memes and words of encouragements. A certain supervisor is being an ass to Hyunwoo, Changkyun learns later, and the city is so obnoxious and dirty he’s almost always wearing masks to dispel the pungent smell, but he’s also pulling through, and the days are counted for before he’ll finally get to leave.

Changkyun’s heart remembers to react violently at the mention of Hyunwoo coming home. He holds his chest and also pokes his lungs to do their job so he could breathe. He takes his phone.

 

 **changkyun / 7:46 PM**  
heaven is a place on earth with you,  
tell me all the things you want to do,  
i heard that you like the bad _boys_ honey,  
is that true?

 

 **hyunwoo / 7:58 PM**  
did you just quote lana????  
????  
wow  
i think i’ve just fallen for you

 

 **changkyun / 7:59 PM**  
you think????  
are you flirting with me?  
HYUNWOOOO  
hyung  
GHADINMOTJAWBQ

 

 **hyunwoo / 7:59 PM**  
;)))

 

 **changkyun / 8:00 PM**  
hyung your words  
use them!!!  
please don’t leave me on read  
imma fragile human  
with fragile feelings  
and imma a h*e for validation  
!!!!!!

 

 **hyunwoo / 8:02 PM**  
♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧  
♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧  
♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧  
♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧  
♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧♥ ❤ ❥ ❣ ❦ ❧  
this enough?

 

 **changkyun / 8:02 PM**  
yes thank you ;-;

 

 

When finals hit full force, they sweep him off the face of Mother Earth and throw him in other cosmos altogether. Changkyun swims in dark matters of space, chokes on space dust and befriends his favorite stars. He’s also been running on four hours of sleep, and coffee is his greatest pal now, they’ve gone through some tough shit together, God bless this kinship.

But, surprise surprise, Changkyun survives his days, and when the fever haze is over, he plans with Jooheon and Hyungwon a weekend wherein they hibernate for a continuous 24 hours.

Jooheon takes the bed beside him whilst Hyungwon sleeps comfortably in the living room’s sofa. The clock ticks and they sleep so profoundly tight, souls lost and bodies numb from exertions.

Changkyun lets his lids rest, the knowledge that no alarms were set is euphoric in itself. He closes his eyes, lets the soft even breathing of Jooheon lull him into a comatose, feels Jooheon’s arm gripping his midriff and pulling him in closer, warmer, his brain is so dead now, but it’s also loud, a gibberish mesh of black ink behind his retinas. Changkyun just wants the sweet release of sleep. Just wants to snap his brain out and sleep-

-and sleep-

-and sleep-

-and slee-

.

.

.

He’s sleep paralyzed, and the monster takes the familiar shape of Hyunwoo. 

The monster – _Hyunwoo_ – stands before him, all sharp edges and soft features and gentle honeyed eyes, long dark coat, blinding sweet smile. Changkyun is tired.

“Go away,” he grumbles, turns to his side, doesn’t find Jooheon. He frowns in worry. “Go away.”

“I’m back Changkyunnie,” Hyunwoo says, his voice eerily similar to the original version.

“Go away imposter, Hyunwoo won’t be here for another month.” He grips the bed sheets and clings to them.

But the imposter doesn’t go away, he only steps closer to the bed, his coat swishing elegantly from behind him, sunlight landing in zebra streaks on his beautiful golden skin. Changkyun shivers under the blankets, goosebumps creep up his nape to his scalp. He’s elated. He’s fucking terrified.

“There was a change of plan. It turned out our internship only extended for three months, so we were off before-”

“You’re a lie, go away, getting my hopes up is too cruel, even for a monster of the night,” Changkyun says, voice muffled by the blanket.

 

(but also-

 

hoping that maybe-)

 

“Too bloody cruel.”

But when Hyunwoo smiles, and his eyes scrunch adorably tight, and the sunlight intensifies in pouring through the curtains, Changkyun feels a cool gripping sensation in his limbs, hiccupping when the tingles turn needle sharp, whiplash of raging thunderous storms soaking him to the bone.

He feels like a seizure, he feels like he’s just swallowed elf pennies and it’s chaos for the next thousand years. He’s cold then warm then freezing. He’s crying. He’s jumping into Hyunwoo’s arms. 

And Hyunwoo catches him.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my fucking god,” the fruity smell is back, stronger than ever, deeply grooved in his sleep deprived brain. Changkyun’s skull pulses painfully tight, his eyes dry heaving tears, his muscles, arms and thighs, cramping around Hyunwoo.

Hyunwoo, who holds him safely and doesn’t drop him, because he’s real, and he’s back, and Changkyun’s organs are having a field trip. He feels big warm hands pinning the legs he has around Hyunwoo’s waist. Hyunwoo stumbles a couple steps back straight into the wall. Changkyun doesn’t let go, tries to press as tightly to Hyunwoo as the law of physics would let him.

“There there baby boy.”

“Oh god, please don’t let this be a dream, please please please-”

“I’m really back Changkyunnie, I can pinch you if you want, or you can pinch me, either way is fine,” Hyunwoo says into his shoulder.

Changkyun sobs loud, voice muffled and the ache in his chest so deep, feels so great. He sobs and keens and sobs, and it just feels- So Motherfucking Great, that Hoodie is the work of heavens, he’ll wear it for the rest of his days, or maybe steal other hoodies from Hyunwoo now that he’s _back_. Changkyun cries into Hyunwoo’s dark coat a while longer.

“I’m sorry, you’d think I’m auditioning for a Shakespearean play,” he says and tries to sweep at his wet face.

Hyunwoo laughs, his hold not slackening. “You were impressive. I’m moved myself to tears.”

“Good, you keep giving me shocks in my own damn house Son Hyunwoo. This is violation of my rights and I won’t stand for it. You didn’t even call, how is that fair?”

“I wanted it to be a surprise. Was it a good one?”

“This is the best thing someone has ever done for me, you big fool of a bear.”

Hyunwoo walks the few steps to sit on the bed. Changkyun clings to him like a koala, and they just spend some few minutes hugging and laughing (and crying on Changkyun’s part).

Some clatter comes from outside the door. Jooheon finally comes to mind. Changkyun almost feels bad. “Where’s honey? He was asleep beside me the whole night-”

“Changkyun,” Hyunwoo says, something serious flickering in his irises. “Hyungwon told me you slept for more than 24 hours.”

“What?” he says, then blinks when his brain properly processes that bit of information. “ _What!”_

“You’ve been asleep since Friday night, and now it’s Sunday afternoon. Not even Hyungwon could compete with that. He woke up this morning, and Jooheon was up sooner. He was so worried, he kept checking up on you every two hours. Seriously, how messed up was your sleeping schedule?” Hyunwoo frowns.

Changkyun just stares into Hyunwoo’s beautiful disappointed eyes. “Finals?” He offers, hopeful, smiling sheepishly, but in his heart, he’s boasting grandly for beating Hyungwon up in his own field of expertise.

Hyunwoo narrows his eyes. He helps Changkyun to his feet and wipes what’s left of his tears for him. “We’re having a feast this evening anyway. Hoseok misses eating unhealthy, and frankly so do I. Let’s go, they’re waiting for us to place orders.”

Hyunwoo offers a hand, and Changkyun clasps it naturally with his. He’s slightly shaking, and some part of him still believes this is all a making of his brain, but when Hyunwoo squeezes his hand, it grounds him back and puts the dubious part of him in a reality chokehold.

Before Hyunwoo could reach for the doorknob, Changkyun jerks him back, with a bit more force than he thought capable of.

Hyunwoo blinks, confused and attentive. “Something wrong?”

Changkyun wants to say: _No, absolutely nothing is wrong, I’m so happy I could fart rainbows_ , instead he says, “Very very wrong.”

And maybe that was not the right thing to say, because Hyunwoo’s whole face scrunches in visible worry, hoisting Changkyun up in his arms and talking to him as if he just got concussed. “What day is it today? What’s your name? How many fingers do I have up? Stick your tongue out Changkyun, can you do that for me?”

“Hyung, hyung wait, you misunderstood-”

“Did you hit your head before you went to bed-”

“Hyung, I’m fine!” Changkyun says a bit louder, urging Hyunwoo to put him down. “I’m really fine, it’s just,” he runs his hand up Hyunwoo’s arm, up his shoulder, rests it on Hyunwoo’s nape. Changkyun feels him shiver.

“I have something very important I need to tell you.”

The afternoon Sun shifts through bare windows, it drops in immediate contact with Hyunwoo’s soft kindled face, and his eyes light up, his kissable lips pressing together, petal smooth with a healthy flush. Changkyun’s breath hitches, and he knows he’s still staring.

(has been staring for a moment, has been wondering for longer, how would they feel, how would they taste, how would he survive. Caramel apples pop in his mind, he wants to decide for himself)

“Wha-” Hyunwoo tries, silenced by Changkyun’s thumb.

“Hyung, I, I, for a while now, for literally _months_ now, hyung I-” Something rushes up Changkyun’s neck, a swarm of moths maybe, sticking to his throat and clogging the pipes. He can’t speak suddenly, his brain crowded with syllables and vowels that don’t make any sense together. Changkyun lets his hand drop from Hyunwoo’s nape, only to have it clutched tight midair.

“It’s okay, there’s no need to rush things. You can tell me later, when we’re a bit wasted, a bit tipsy, it’s really fine Changkyun,” Hyunwoo says, his smile light and teasing, and it vacuums the swarming thoughts away.

“Okay,” he says, breathes, sniffles, “Okay,” he says, and lets Hyunwoo pull him in a hug.

 

 

Changkyun glues himself to Hyunwoo’s side pretty much the whole night, pours alcohol for him, giggles at something Hyungwon says and topples over him (sniffs Hyunwoo at some point; _‘you smell so good, what perfume?’_ )

“Are you his steward?” Jooheon teases lightly, and Changkyun is so appalled at the hypocrisy, he’s literally sitting on Hyungwon’s lap at this very moment.

Hoseok has grown his hair few inches long, so what he does is put it in a small fluffy ponytail atop his head and bounces it around for Lilith to jump on, a bait of some sort. It’s adorable. The first time, she accidently jumps on his face. Second time he catches her to nuzzle and dote on her. Changkyun can still feel the ache in his ribs. Hoseok is a great hugger, 100% would recommend to any touch starved individuals out there.

Conversations flow smoothly, a general disaster on both sides. Hoseok and Hyunwoo got extremely shit-faced one time they missed work the next day, which got them in serious trouble. Hoseok laughs so hard at the memory, his face turns red and his muscled breasts jiggle. Hyunwoo just smiles fondly, which gives Changkyun’s intestines the tingles.

Changkyun tells Hyunwoo about his night walks with Lilith. Hyunwoo _ooohs_ and _aaahs_ , and makes him promise to take him along next time.

Hyungwon and Jooheon seem to be in their own small world, smiling at each other, whispering to each other’s ears, kissing each other’s hands (?), they’re not even that drunk yet. Changkyun throws a pillow at their heads.

“Oh, completely forgot,” Hoseok, with great gentleness, puts Lilith on the sofa and runs to the kitchen. They hear the click of the microwave, the soft thuds of Hoseok’s feet against hardwood. Few minutes later, Hoseok walks in with a plate full of cookies. They make Changkyun’s mouth water.

“Grabbed these on our way back, it’s what childhood dreams are made of,” Hoseok says and places the plate in the middle of their small circle. It’s flourishingly sweet, the dough steamed and unfurling the sweetness encapsulated inside the cookies. Changkyun pops a whole one in his mouth, and when he bites, he tastes heaven.

Everyone seems to be in a similar state of being, nostalgic childhood dreams, that is. Hoseok is an Angel. Changkyun reaches for another one, and savors it this time by taking smaller bites. Something solid knocks along his gums.

“It tastes so good. What do they have in them, Hoseokkie hyung?” Changkyun asks, takes the last bite, swallows.

Hoseok pours himself another glass of wine. “That would be peanut, I think and-”

Changkyun’s breath catches in his throat.

“P-Peanut?” he questions carefully, and hopes against all hopes that he just heard wrong, that what’s resting on his tongue is not peanut, what are the fucking odds, it can’t be _peanut_ , it can’t be it can’t be-

Hoseok nods.

Panic bubbles hot in his chest. Changkyun looks at Hyungwon. He looks at Jooheon. They’re wide-eyed, very sober-looking all of a sudden. Hoseok and Hyunwoo are beyond confused.

This night is not going to end well.

A second of silenced tides, then:

“Jooheon, the keys, get the keys! Hurry!”

“Oh my God, oh my God, should I puke? Should I put a finger in my throat and puke? Should I just die?”

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“Jooheon, hurry the fuck up!”

“I can’t find them!”

Changkyun is feeling it. It’s starting; his throat is pulsing uncomfortably tight, his skin is showing first signs of the hives, raised red skin, his inhales are getting harder and harder to take. He coughs and curses alternatively. He gets dizzy, stumbles back, and Hyunwoo catches him. He hears Hyungwon say, “He has serious peanut allergy, we need to get him to the ER, like right about now. Jooheon, where are you?”

“Here, I’m here, got them!”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t- I wasn’t aware, Changkyunnie I’m really sorry,” Hoseok says through tears, stapled on his right in Hyungwon’s car. Changkyun waves him off, and he would’ve comforted him with words, but his throat is incredibly tight, and trying to breathe is all he can focus on.

Hyunwoo looks so worried, he takes his hand and holds him against his chest. Hyungwon speeds up in the dark night road, and Changkyun can only hope that they won’t end up crashing into a tree. This is not how he envisioned for the night to reach its climax. It’s so comical he would’ve laughed if it weren’t for the fact that he’s currently dying.

His airways constrict further and further, he starts wheezing.

“What are you? An idiot? How did you not see the peanuts? How did you not taste them?” Jooheon rounds on him from the passenger’s side. “I hope you survive so I could beat your ass later.”   

Changkyun flips him off, then wheezes some more. Hyunwoo holds him closer, an arm wrapped around his chest to right him up. His skin itches, and he claws at his neck with both hands, coughing again and again.

They reach the hospital and he gets immediately rushed to the ER.

 

 

“Well, that happened,” Changkyun says the next day, well into the afternoon, all his classes missed.

Jooheon looks about to murder him. Instead, he slips in bed with him and hugs him. “You’re so stupid, you could’ve died and put a serious burden on Hoseokkie hyung’s shoulders. How come you didn’t have an EpiPen on you? Anaphylaxis is not a joke.”

Changkyun purses his lips, his face just slightly swollen, but the itchiness in his throat still persistent. “I’m sorry.”

Jooheon sighs, his hand running circle through Changkyun’s scalp. “I’m just glad you’re okay, so many things could’ve gone wrong. Watching the nurse going off on you was amusing though.” Jooheon smiles.

Changkyun groans, burrows deeper in the blankets. The nurse only meant well. He has severe allergy to peanuts. Having an EpiPen on him is a must, she’d said, making him promise to get them first thing in the morning.

Hyungwon is at work, and Hyunwoo and Hoseok are working on their reports, graduation is in three weeks. Another semester is almost over, it feels kind of surreal.

Lilith circles the room anxiously, as if sensing something is wrong. Jooheon calls her in, and she comes trudging, mewling and nuzzling his chin.

Changkyun takes a deep breath. There’s a bitterness clinging to the roof of his brain, his heart aches in the way he dreads the most, in the way he knows he can do absolutely nothing about to alleviate it other than having a depression nap.

“Jooney, can you- can you sleep with me? I don’t feel that good.”

“Of course,” Jooheon says. “Of course I can sleep with you. I have nothing to do this afternoon.”

 In fact, Jooheon has a crap ton of assignments and essays he needs to submit, but for now they hold much less importance to Changkyun’s comfort.

“I mean, we can always do that kind of sleeping with each othe-”

Jooheon doesn’t let him finish that sentence. “Shut up and sleep. You’re a pain.” He gathers him in an embrace, kisses his forehead, and the ache gets somehow worse, it turns to seven daggers total, buried hilt deep in his heart. Changkyun’s throat burns, his eyes get watery. Lilith rests half on the pillow, half on his head, and he lets her, warmth surrounding him from different sides. He sobs finally, tries to cry the ache away.

It clings and clings, and Changkyun bawls like a baby.

 

 

“Hyunwoo hyung?”

Changkyun rubs his eyes for good measure. Only now does it occur to him that he never passed the keys back to Hyunwoo, who currently stands outside his apartment door with this sweet, stress-annihilating smile.

“Hyunwoo hyung,” he says again, tastes the word on his tongue (sweet sweet sweet), hugs his arms and smiles. “Hey.”

Hyunwoo’s eyes are soft, tender. It fills Changkyun’s marrow with warmth. “Hey,” he offers back and holds a hand out. “Night walk?”

Changkyun stares at his hand. He’s still in skinny jeans, in big oversized sweater, his hair a rumpled ratty mess. His brain says no, his muscles scream pain. His heart takes Hyunwoo’s hand, and Hyunwoo tugs him to his chest.

“You’re okay, Jesus, you’re really okay. I was. Concerned. Yeah.” Hyunwoo breathes into his ear.

This feels kind of different. Barefoot, the floor is solid ice. It’s been raining the whole day, cold to an unbearable extent. Changkyun pads closer, buries his nose in Hyunwoo’s nape (it smells like home), and says, “I’m great, doing fine, I’m sorry for worrying you.”

Hyunwoo nods against him. He gives his back a gentle pat and lets him get his shoes, showering Lilith with love in his absent.

Changkyun thinks; _I’m not sleeping tonight_. But also, hopes he won’t be sleeping tonight.

He draws his dark hair back, gets the Hoodie and his bunny slippers, stands before Hyunwoo.

“That is _my_ hoodie, I believe,” Hyunwoo says when he glimpses at him. He’s smiling and Lilith is nipping at his earlobe.

Changkyun gives him a mischievous look. He shrugs though, “who knows?” and bolts outside the apartment before Hyunwoo could seize him.

When Hyunwoo finally catches up to him, and twirls him around under The Moon, Changkyun squeals loud, giggles from the feathery tickles in his veins, his stomach unsettled in the best way possible.

“You pretty pretty thief.” 

“Hyung, I might puuuuke,” he laughs and laughs, and it’s not cold anymore. Hyunwoo holds him again, kisses his cheek, maybe. (changkyun can’t really tell, it’s so dark, and the sky is so bright. He’s in love.)

“Hyung, hyung, I love you, but I might seriously puke.”

“I love you too Changkyunnie, but you can’t just steal things.”

It comes out so very natural. Changkyun says it again. “I really love you hyung, but you have to put me down.”

And Hyunwoo puts him down. A car drives through, highlights their surroundings, trees and a hill before the stretch of water, then it’s dark again. Hyunwoo says, “I love you Changkyun,” cups his cheek, kisses him.

Caramel apples couldn’t compare.

It’s gentle, unhurried, so so so tender Changkyun has to grip Hyunwoo’s arms to keep himself up, his weakened knees conceding because Hyunwoo is kissing him, in the softest touch imaginable, and Changkyun kisses back, just as unhurried and intimate.

And then it hits him. The _kissing Hyunwoo_ part hits him like heatstroke, he kind of keens into Hyunwoo’s mouth, and Hyunwoo pulls back, whispering _what’s wrong what’s wrong what’s wrong_ , because almost dying once isn’t enough for Hyunwoo’s poor nerves.

“You’re such a good kisser,” Changkyun says, so ridiculously out of context he makes himself laugh. Before Hyunwoo can put words out, Changkyun rises to his tippy toes and kisses him.

Only, there’s more depth to this one, and when Hyunwoo squeezes his waist, when Hyunwoo grips the hair at his nape and pulls, Changkyun makes a soft breathy noise that is probably inappropriate in a public setting.

(changkyun doesn’t care)

Hyunwoo seems to appreciate them though, and he makes a similar whiny sound against his lips.

(it appears hyunwoo doesn’t care either)

They kiss a while more before Changkyun has to break it because of his giggles. His stomach churns, flock of crows nipping at his flesh, it makes him insanely ticklish. He shakes against Hyunwoo, who captures him in the tightest hug his bones can withstand.

“I love you I love you I love you, oh God, I love you so much I can’t bear it, Hyunwoo, what have you done?”

Hyunwoo chuckles, his mild fruity scent just so. Changkyun thinks this is a Perfect, and he would really love it if he could burry himself in this moment forever.

_“Hyunwoo, Hyunwoo, Hyunwoo-”_

“I’m here, right here Changkyunnie. My pretty, pretty baby boy.”

“You’re bound to me forever, swear it Hyunwoo, swear it right here right now or I’ll melt into a puddle and you’ll have to scoop me in a cup.”

“That’s strangely specific.”

“Don’t care, don’t wanna hear it, can you kiss me again?”

Hyunwoo nips at his jaw, the side of his mouth, before he fully kisses him in the sweetest close-mouthed kiss. His knees are jelly beneath him, but Hyunwoo holds him up, kisses him again and again, whispers honeysuckle and baby’s breath in his ear.

His body is shutting down.

He’s in love in love in love.

And his giggles turn into heartfelt tears.

“I’ll be here, with you, always, I promise.”

 

 

“Something tells me you should’ve kissed me a lifetime ago,” Changkyun says, deeply snuggled in his blankets, cheek to pillow, facing Hyunwoo.

Resting opposite him on the same pillow and under the same blankets, Hyunwoo smiles sleepily, and Changkyun has to resist the urge to kiss him again, his lips look plenty swollen.

“I almost did once,” Hyunwoo mumbles. His face glows under The Moonlight, soft sliver hues, dreamy morning fog. Changkyun’s heart clenches in his chest.

“Once? Just once?”                                                                                      

“Okay, maybe a couple of times.”

Changkyun pouts, lets it disintegrate when Hyunwoo passes a thumb over his lips.

“That time, at the train station, I truly almost kissed you, right there in public. You look so pretty when you cry.”

Changkyun blinks. He starts laughing. “Do tears of happiness count?”

“Oh, definitely, absolutely, the best kind.” He smiles, and Changkyun says, “Fuck it,” and kisses him again.  

His hand sneaks under the blanket, rests on Hyunwoo’s broad chest. He tries to slip it beneath the warm sweater, but Hyunwoo catches it before then. “Your hand is freezing. I’m not letting you touch me with those icy fingers.”

Changkyun considers arguing, but a better idea strikes. He grins. “Fine, fine, I understand. I’ll just use my mouth then.”

Hyunwoo’s eyes widen just a tiny fraction. Changkyun lops a leg around Hyunwoo’s thighs, braces himself on Hyunwoo’s chest, and trails light kisses down his jaw, his neck, his beautiful clavicles. Hyunwoo sighs deeply. Changkyun starts using teeth.

When Hyunwoo chortles, the tremor travels from his chest to Changkyun’s lips, to Changkyun’s abdomen, to something lower, and Changkyun gulps, quite audibly too.

Hyunwoo captures him in his arms, finally, doesn’t let him go even when he trashes around. Changkyun lies half on top of him and targets his lips instead. Hyunwoo deepens the kiss, puts a bit of force with his long fingers on Changkyun’s jaw to unhinge it, and it’s all so dizzying, the slow fervent kissing of Hyunwoo melting him like beeswax.

Their lips part in slow motion, and Changkyun was preparing to say, _I love you, my big warm polar bear, I love you so much I seriously can’t bear it my love,_ only, a sudden drop on his shoulders almost scares the soul out of his body, a weight so light, so _Lilith_.

Hyunwoo’s eyes scrunch adorably tight in a wide smile, and he reaches behind him to lift her. Changkyun rolls off, back to his initial position, one where he isn’t glued to Hyunwoo as if his life depends on it.

Lilith is wide eyed and purring already. She takes the spot between their bodies, circles around, tail to Changkyun’s face, her soft head pressed into Hyunwoo’s.

“Not fair,” Changkyun whisper-whines, but lets Hyunwoo twine their fingers together, his cheeks flushed, his eyes so sleepy.

Changkyun keeps watching him until he shuts his eyes completely. Carefully, he lifts up, kisses Hyunwoo on his forehead, says, “Good night my love.”

And Hyunwoo squeezes his hand.

 

 

✰ 

 

 

 

Few weeks later, post-graduation and deep into Summer haze, they move in together in this house located nearer to campus.

The building doesn’t have a _‘no pets allowed’_ policy, thank Goodness, so they’re free to take Lilith in and out whenever they please.

It’s been absolute bonkers, but these boxes are about to dislocate his shoulders, they’re so damn _heavy_.

“Hyunwoo, babe, what the fuck?” Changkyun heaves the box to the floor, and crumbles.

Hyunwoo places down the box he has in his arms in a more dignified fashion. His tank top is damp with sweat, but he’s more like a glistening God, and Changkyun gulps for various reasons.

“First, fix your language, second, your upper body strength is a tragedy and plus, I’ll help you work on it soon, don’t give me that look,” Hyunwoo says and runs down the stairs to get what’s left of their belongings

Changkyun sees his chance and rolls on the cold hardwoods, a captured fish on soil that’s to be cooked for dinner. He imagines fins and a mermaid tail, gills flapping freakishly on his neck. Changkyun comes to the conclusion that he absolutely needs a bath.

When Hyunwoo trudges back in, finally, his muscles strained under the weight, Changkyun loops his arms around his torso and guides him to the bathroom.

“Come love, I’ll wash your back for you,” Changkyun says.

“Wait, Changkyunnie, we need to unpack first-”

“Yeah, whatever, blah blah blah no one deserves to be denied the luxury of a warm bath, much less you.” Changkyun keeps pushing until Hyunwoo yields. Changkyun gets his latest addition to his bath bombs (provided so kindly by Hyungwon), and drops it into the water. It soon morphs into silver foams, sweet scented he can almost taste it.

There’s a certain intimacy to standing naked with someone in a non-sexual context. Changkyun hugs his knees, breathes in the steam, his eyes shut and the fingers massaging his scalp making him unwind in all kind of ways.

The way Hyunwoo handles him is beyond anything gentle. Changkyun is not made of glass, yet the careful slopes of hands over his body make him think the opposite, and he almost dozes off in the tub.

Hyunwoo holds him against his chest. “What do you think of a nap?” he asks.

Changkyun wants nothing more, but there’s an issue. “We are to meet them in an hour. We can’t be late to Seokkie’s grandiose picnic, especially one that is made in our honor.”

Hyunwoo hums, an eloquent sound. “An hour is enough, I’ll wake you up when it’s time.”

They finish bathing and take a blanket and a pillow from one of the boxes. Lilith has her own couch now where she sleeps, miniature cushions too, a deep oceanic color she seems pleased by.

Changkyun blinks through fog, bronzed skin, and warmth. So much warmth, Hyunwoo’s body seems to be drowning in it, sinking him along.

He sinks.

 

 

And surges awake to his loud ringtone.

“Fucks sake.”

He stares at the id, finds Hyungwon, swears a second time.

“Hyunwoo, we gotta get up.”

Hyunwoo groans into the pillow.

“We’re thirty minutes late.”

They change clothes at double speed, forgo brushing teeth. Hyunwoo wears a cap and Changkyun rummages for his beanie and his shoes, but he can’t find the box where he packed his shoes, so he takes his bunny slippers.

Hyunwoo is so amused by the display, but Changkyun shrugs and tells him, “Dire times call for dire measures.”

They pay Lilith their respect, bolt outside the door. Changkyun’s shirt is inside out, and Hyunwoo points it out for him.

“Oh.” He strips in the hallway, and when he manages his head through the collar, Hyunwoo presses soft lips to his mouth.

“Oh," he gasps in surprise, nearly falls over.

His phone rings again. They giggle all the way down the stairs.

“You’re late!”

“Fucking lovebirds.”

Hoseok and Jooheon screech from the car, bodies hanging outside the windows. Hyungwon is giving him a thumbs up, or maybe the middle finger. Changkyun can’t tell.

“Sorry sorry,” Hyunwoo apologizes.

He takes his hand, holds it firm.

Changkyun looks to the night sky, glimpses gold, his beloved Moon.

His beloved Hyunwoo.

Grins until his cheeks hurt.

 

He’s –

_in love in love in love_

–yeah.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> mama i did it, finally, my first 20k+ story ;-;  
> i'm kind of overwhelmed, but also tired because it's 3 am and i need to crash  
> thank you so so much for reading ♡♡♡
> 
> (i had anaphylaxis twice before, it's not fun guys ;-;)


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